The Revised Reptile Room
by Random Little Writer
Summary: Olaf accidentally cuts his own leg off, Mr. Poe drives a purple Mini, Uncle Monty doesn't know he's in a parody, and Random's cousin hijacks the story.
1. For Those Who Aren't Up To Speed

**The Revised Reptile Room**

Disclaimer: _A Series of Unfortunate Events belongs to Daniel Handler. Any other famous thing mentioned in this story belongs to their respective owners._

Author's Note: _Oh, yes, it's the long-awaited sequel to __**The Badly Written Beginning**__. Enjoy._

* * *

**Chapter 1: For Those Who Aren****'t Up To Speed**

We meet again, reader! How nice to see you after all this time. Well, okay, it hasn't been very long, but it's still nice to see that you have decided to feast your eyes upon the second installment in my little series. Without you (and without my determination to make sure that the previous story ended unhappily), I would not be writing this sequel. Thank you so much.

For those who aren't up to speed on the tale of the Baudelaire children, here's a quick recap: Violet's the oldest. Klaus is the middle child. Sunny's the youngest, and she's a baby with her own little made-up language. Their house burned down. Their parents are dead. They were in the care of an evil, drunken guy named Count Olaf. The kids are rich. Olaf wanted their money. He tried to marry Violet to gain control of said money. He failed epically. Justice Strauss is a nice lady, but the kids are not in her care. Bummer. A banker named Mr. Poe is helping them out. He wants to be a gangsta rapper. He can't sing, but he does it anyway. He was driving the kids away from a theater, but his car smashed into a pole. Double bummer. Oh, yeah, and Olaf and his merry band of freaks escaped. Triple bummer. Also, I'm Random Little Writer, the author of this story. I break the fourth wall often. Get used to it.

Did you get all that? No? Too bad. Moving on.

Now, as I said, Mr. Poe's car crashed into a pole at the end of the last story, and that is where this story begins. As soon as the car and the pole hit each other, the Baudelaires let out loud groans. Mr. Poe blinked stupidly and stared into space for a moment.

"Guess we're gonna have to get a new car," he said dejectedly.

"No kidding," Violet mumbled.

Mr. Poe pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and called a random car place. "Yo, this is Arthur Poe, callin' from a smashed-up vehicle," he said. By the way, that's how he talks. You'll have to forgive him. "No, man, I'm not callin' for a repair, I'm callin' for a brand-new car! My car has been _totaled_." As he said that, he made a funky hand gesture that he thought was a gang sign. It probably wasn't, but who knows?

While Mr. Poe and the guy on the other line talked, the Baudelaires all rolled their eyes.

"You know, I read somewhere that if you don't speak professionally to someone, they're less likely to do business with you," Klaus said.

"Nibbo," Sunny said, sadly. She meant something along the lines of, "I bet that since Mr. Poe's talking like an idiot, we're not going to get the car fixed, and we'll never leave this spot."

"Maybe we can sneak out of the car and go to Justice Strauss's house while he's distracted," Violet said.

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Klaus said. "Let's get out now."

Violet tried to open the left door and Klaus tried to open the right door while Sunny sat in Violet's lap. But the two older Baudelaires had forgotten that the doors were locked. After about fifteen or twenty minutes of trying, they gave up.

"Mr. Poe actually remembers to lock his doors?" Violet asked in disbelief.

"It's hard for me to believe, too," Klaus replied.

Mr. Poe snapped his phone shut and turned to face the Baudelaires. "Guess what, homies?" he said excitedly. "The car people are gonna come and tow the car away, and they're gonna give us a new one! Ain't that off the hook?"

"Sounds good," Violet said in a bored voice.

"Yeah, sure," Klaus muttered. He yawned. "I'm sleepy."

"Mugwa," Sunny murmured, which undoubtedly meant, "Me too."

A few minutes later, the Baudelaires had all fallen asleep in the car. Mr. Poe tried to stay up, but he gave in to fatigue not long after the children. He slumped over the wheel of the car and fell fast asleep, snoring loudly.

Unbeknownst to them, the car people came while they were sleeping. One of the workers somehow opened the locked doors and pulled Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Mr. Poe out. Another worker attached Mr. Poe's wrecked car to another car and towed it away. Yet another worker pulled up in a new car and left it in that spot. The car people left after that, presumably looking for a junkyard so they could ditch the old, totaled car. Suddenly, morning came. Violet was the first person to notice the new car.

"Oh, _no!_" she said.

Klaus, Sunny, and Mr. Poe woke up at the sound of her voice.

"What's wrong?" asked Klaus.

"Delwat?" asked Sunny, which meant something like, "Did the car people come and rob us, leaving us no means of transportation whatsoever?"

"Did some gangbangers attack?" asked Mr. Poe, who immediately assumed a really pathetic kung-fu pose.

"No," said Violet. She pointed. "Look at the new car!"

Klaus, Sunny, and Mr. Poe turned and saw the new car, which was a red Mini. They each shrugged in turn.

"So?" Klaus said. "There's nothing wrong with it, you know."

"You racist against Minis or somethin', Violet?" Mr. Poe queried.

"I don't have a problem with the type of car it is. I just have a problem with the color," Violet informed them. She glared in my direction. "This is another one of those references that you always stick in, isn't it?"

I don't know what you're talking about.

"Come on, it's a reference to _something!_"

Prove it.

Violet sighed. "Look, can you at least change the color?"

Whose story is this, yours or mine?

"CHANGE THE COLOR!" Violet hollered, seething.

I used my author powers to change the Mini's color from red to purple.

"That's better," Violet said approvingly.

"Hop into the Mini, kids!" Mr. Poe said. He jumped over to the Mini and smashed into the hood, which knocked him out. Luckily, the car wasn't damaged in any way, which is really the only thing that matters.

Sunny crawled over to the unconscious banker and poked him in the stomach. "Kelsko," she said, which meant something along the lines of, "Since Mr. Poe's cold as a cucumber, we'll have to stay here until he wakes up."

Violet let out a huge sigh and fell to her knees.

Klaus walked over to Sunny and Mr. Poe. He gripped Mr. Poe's feet and dragged the man over to the Mini, then opened the front door and tossed Mr. Poe into the driver's seat. He rejoined his sisters, and that night, they started a fire with some twigs and roasted marshmallows. When they became tired, they climbed into the backseat of the Mini and quickly fell asleep. The next morning, they were awakened rather rudely by Mr. Poe, who had regained consciousness and was making up a new song.

"We crashed into a pole! I need to ease my soul! We got a new car! Uncle Monty's not far! New car, new car, new car!" he rapped.

"SHUT UP!" Violet shrieked. She was starting to get dark circles under her eyes from lack of a good night's sleep.

"Who's Uncle Monty?" Klaus asked.

"He's gonna be your new guardian," Mr. Poe said. "He's your dad's cousin's wife's brother."

The Baudelaires stared at him blankly.

"Ipsin?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "Could you repeat that?"

"I _said_, he's the brother of the wife of the cousin of your dad," Mr. Poe repeated.

"Huh?" Sunny said.

Mr. Poe rolled his eyes and gave up trying to explain it. "Let's just say he's distantly related to ya," he told them, and started up the Mini. They drove for about an hour until they crashed into another pole.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mr. Poe screamed in anguish.

Okay, I just couldn't resist. Let me rewind that part.

**The Adventures of the Purple Mini, take two!**

Mr. Poe rolled his eyes and gave up trying to explain it. "Let's just say he's distantly related to ya," he told them, and started up the Mini. They rode for about an hour, and they narrowly missed the pole.

"Whew!" Violet, Klaus, and Sunny said in unison.

Unfortunately, they crashed through a random person's house.

**Take three!**

Mr. Poe rolled his eyes and gave up trying to explain it. "Let's just say he's distantly related to ya," he told them, and started up the Mini. They rode for about an hour, and they narrowly missed the pole.

"Whew!" Violet, Klaus, and Sunny said in unison.

They almost drove into the house again, but Mr. Poe swerved just in time.

But then they fell in a gigantic manhole.

**Take four!**

This time, Mr. Poe avoided the manhole and everything was going smoothly…until the Mini fell off a cliff!

**Take five!**

Mr. Poe took painstaking measures to avoid every possible obstacle. He narrowly missed the pole, swerved to avoid the house, drove around the manhole, and turned around and went the other way when he saw the cliff. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny each breathed sighs of relief.

Suddenly, a meteor fell on the Mini and crushed it.

**Take six!**

Mr. Poe quickly drove out of the way when the meteor fell. Then a tornado came along and swept the Mini up.

**Take seven!**

Mr. Poe drove away from the storm, but he and the Baudelaires were stopped by a robber, who kicked everyone out and drove away with the Mini.

**Take eight!**

Mr. Poe ran over the robber when he tried to stop them, but then the whole city became flooded. The Mini sank and everyone drowned.

**Take nine!**

Mr. Poe drove out of the water, somehow, but the Mini suddenly burst into flames.

**Take ten!**

Mr. Poe put the fire out, but the Mini randomly blew up.

**Take eleven!**

This take rewound all the way back to the beginning.

Mr. Poe rolled his eyes and gave up trying to explain it. "Let's just say he's distantly related to ya," he told them, and started up the Mini.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Klaus screamed. "Please, Random, don't make anything else happen to us!"

Dude, I was just about to say that I ran out of ideas. No more bad things are going to happen, I promise.

Klaus calmed down instantly.

Anyway, Mr. Poe started up the Mini (which had somehow managed to survive everything it had been through without so much as a scratch), and he and the Baudelaires took a nice little car ride. A nice little LONG car ride. The entire time, Mr. Poe was beat-boxing and making up more stupid songs that caused the children to be even more irritable than before. About five hours into the trip, Klaus heard his stomach rumble, and he realized that he and his siblings hadn't actually eaten anything besides the marshmallows they'd had the previous night.

"Mr. Poe, I'm hungry," he said. "Can we stop for McDonald's?"

"NO STOPS!" Violet roared. "I just want to get to this Monty guy's house so I can finally get some sleep!"

"KFC," Sunny said.

"No, we're getting McDonald's," Klaus said.

Sunny shook her head. "KFC."

"McDonald's."

"KFC."

"McDonald's."

"KFC."

"McDonald's!"

"KFC!"

"McDONALD'S!"

"KFC!"

_"McDONALD'S!"_

_"KFC!"_

_**"McDONALD'S!"**_

_**"KFC!"**_

Violet slapped Klaus upside the head and shoved a pacifier in Sunny's mouth. That seemed to make them go back to normal. Or, at least, as normal as anyone in _this _story can be.

Mr. Poe was bored, so he decided to turn on some music. If you have read my previous fanfiction, you should know that Mr. Poe likes rap. If you want to get technical about it, he likes the kind of rap where you can barely understand the lyrics. He turned on the radio and soon found a station that played this kind of music, which made him extremely happy. He turned the music up so loudly that other cars driving near them could hear it loud and clear.

Violet dug around in her pocket and found an iPod that she'd made herself. She put the headphones in her ears and listened to the music that _she _liked, so everybody was happy. Well, except for Klaus, who still wanted his McDonald's. But who cares?

They rode like this for the rest of the trip. Nothing else remotely interesting happened. The Mini just kept on going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

And going.

Insert about forty-six or sixty-four more of these. I think you get the idea by now.

Now I'm bored. What should I do?

Should

I

try

to

write

like

this

again?

Nah, I probably shouldn't. I don't want the readers to get annoyed.

I talk to myself a lot, can't you tell?

Ew! What's that smell?

Oh, wait, that's just the smell of horseradish. That must mean Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires have reached Lousy Lane. I wonder how Mr. Poe knew where Uncle Monty lived, but then again, it's best not to question the things that occur in parodies.

"Here we is!" Mr. Poe announced. "The house of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, comin' right up!"

"Uncle Monty's full name is Montgomery Montgomery?" Klaus questioned. I feel as though I'm experiencing déjà vu.

"Yep," Mr. Poe said.

"Ew! What's that smell?" Violet said. Okay, now I _know _I'm experiencing déjà vu.

Klaus sniffed the strong, bitter air. He nodded. "Horseradish. You get used to it after a while."

The Mini pulled up in a driveway. The Baudelaires looked at the house and saw that it was a green house. Literally. The entire outside of the house was painted green, even the windows, and it was a pretty big place. The equally large hedges were trimmed to look like snakes (the work of Edward Scissorhands, perhaps?).

"Welcome to Uncle Monty's crib, yo!" Mr. Poe said excitedly.

Here's hoping Uncle Monty is as cool as Uncle Pecos.

Violet looked at me for a moment, then shrugged. She wasn't in the mood to yell at me for making outside references. She and Klaus stepped out of the Mini, followed by Sunny, who crawled after them. Mr. Poe also stepped out of the car and accompanied the children to the front door. He knocked on it, and out stepped Uncle Monty, who was a round man with a snake draped around his shoulders.

"Hello!" he said jovially, smiling at the four people. He looked at Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. "You must be the children of Bertrand and B—"

NO SPOILING!

Uncle Monty's face suddenly turned pale. He was slightly shocked that the voice of an adolescent girl had randomly shouted out. Even so, he smiled at the Baudelaires, albeit more tentatively because of his surprise. "Er…who wants chocolate cake?" he asked.

The faces of Klaus and Violet lit up with joy, and they ran inside, knocking Uncle Monty over in the process.


	2. Did You Guys Hear That Voice?

Author's Note: _Okay, I know that some people are confused by the outside references that I make, so from now on, I'll include a little reference glossary after every chapter. Here are the references from last chapter:_

_**Uncle Pecos **__– A reference to the cartoon series _Tom and Jerry. _Uncle Pecos is a guitar-playing mouse from Texas._

_**The red Mini **__– In the film _The Bourne Identity, _the character Marie Kreutz had a red Mini. Violet was correct in assuming that I had made a movie reference by putting in the car._

_I hope that helps anyone who was curious._

* * *

**Chapter 2: Did You Guys Hear That Voice?**

Unfortunately for Mr. Poe and Uncle Monty, they didn't get any chocolate cake. Violet and Klaus devoured it all and hissed like angry cats whenever the two adults asked for a piece. Sunny didn't get any cake either, but she didn't mind. She sat at the table with her siblings, chewing a carrot happily.

"May I have that last bite of cake?" Uncle Monty asked politely, staring pointedly at Violet's fork.

"NO!" Violet yelled. She shoved the fork in her mouth and ate the last piece.

Hey, I want some cake, too.

Uncle Monty looked around the kitchen fearfully, searching for the source of the voice. He looked under the table and saw Neal Daniels.

"Excuse me, but are you the source?" Uncle Monty said.

"Maybe," Daniels said, very mysteriously.

"Hey, man, this ain't your fanfiction!" Mr. Poe said, looking under the table at Daniels.

Daniels sighed and rose from his spot. He stole the last of Klaus's cake and walked out the door.

"What's a fanfiction?" asked Uncle Monty. He was ignored.

"I can't believe that guy just stole my cake!" Klaus whined. He was also ignored.

Violet glared at me.

What?

Uncle Monty squeaked in fear.

"Lishko?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "What's wrong, Uncle Monty?"

"Did you guys hear that voice?" Uncle Monty asked.

"What voice?" Mr. Poe asked.

"That voice that keeps talking!" Uncle Monty said. "I've heard it about three times already!"

"Oh, that's just Random," Klaus said.

Uncle Monty looked confused. "I didn't say anything random. I was asking a reasonable question."

"Klaus means that Random is the voice that keeps talking," Violet said. "Random's this girl who keeps following us around, talking to us, and writing about us. She has a real name, but she likes going by her nickname."

Hi. I'm Random.

Uncle Monty screamed.

Don't worry, I don't bite, no matter what Violet says. Try talking to me.

"Um…hello?" Uncle Monty said.

Hello.

"Is it true that you're writing a story about Violet, Klaus, and Sunny?" he asked.

I've already written one, and I'm writing a sequel right now. In fact, this _is _the sequel.

"Does that mean I'm in a story right now? Like, _right _now?"

Yep.

"So…that means everything I do and say is being recorded by you at this very moment?"

Yeah, pretty much.

Uncle Monty shivered. "That's scary."

"Wait 'til you get to know her," Violet said.

Klaus changed the subject, much to his not-uncle's relief. "So, Uncle Monty, what do you do for a living?" he asked.

"Well," Uncle Monty began, feeling much more comfortable with this subject, "I'm a scientist. My specialty is herpetology. I study snakes! If you didn't already know, my hedges outside are trimmed to resemble snakes."

"Yeah, we already saw that," said Violet.

"Now you know why they're like that," said Uncle Monty, grinning proudly. "I trimmed them myself."

"Really?" said Mr. Poe. "That's off the chain, homie! Gimme five!" He held up his hand.

Uncle Monty high-fived him, much to the surprise of the Baudelaires, who were certain that he would think Mr. Poe was strange. "You know, Mr. Poe," he said, "I have a gecko that acts a lot like you. I call him the Gangster Gecko. Would you like to meet him?"

Mr. Poe shuddered. "No way, bro," he said. "Reptiles give me the hizzle-bajizzle."

The Baudelaires exchanged blank stares.

"What did he say?" Klaus asked.

"Ewigu?" Sunny asked.

"Just smile, nod, and pretend you understand," Violet said. And that's just what they did.

A ringing sound emanated from Mr. Poe's pocket, and he pulled out his cell phone. "'Sup?" he greeted. There was a brief pause, and Mr. Poe grinned. "Hey, Polly! How's it hangin'?" There was another pause as he listened to his wife. After a few minutes, he frowned. "Oh no he DIDN'T! I'll be back in the hood right away, with my brand-new car! See ya!" He hung up and stuffed the phone back in his pocket. "Gotta go, peeps."

"What's going on?" Uncle Monty questioned.

"My homeboy Albert ate all the food in our fridge," Mr. Poe said. "My lady and I gotta barricade his room again."

Uncle Monty stared. Mr. Poe ignored this and quickly ran out of the house. Soon after he left, the Baudelaires heard the sound of the Mini backing out of the driveway and zooming off.

"Does Mr. Poe need mental help?" Uncle Monty asked.

"Yes," Klaus said. "He doesn't seem to think so, though."

Uncle Monty shrugged, then immediately brightened. "Well, whether or not that guy is crazy, I'm very glad to have you three. We leave for Peru in about a week, and it's good to have some help. My assistant Gustav left a note, and it said…HIS DINNER IS IN THE OVEN! BLEH!" He waved his hands in the air and grinned.

Violet and Klaus stared at him. Sunny laughed.

The herpetologist's smile disappeared. "Didn't you think that was funny?" he asked. "Haven't you guys ever seen _Fright Night_?"

"Tidu," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "_I_ have."

"Sunny!" Klaus exclaimed, looking at his baby sister in shock. "That movie is rated R!"

"R?" Sunny asked, looking genuinely surprised.

Klaus rolled his eyes. "Yes, R! What did you think it was rated?" he said.

"PG-13," Sunny said.

"That movie was made in, like, the early 1980's. They didn't have PG-13 yet. It was definitely rated R," Klaus said.

Actually, they _did _have PG-13 back then. That movie was made in 1985. The first PG-13 movie was _Red Dawn_, which was made in 1984. Some earlier films were rated PG, and some people thought they were too violent for kids, so the MPAA came up with the PG-13 rating.

"Was that really needed?" Violet asked.

Not really. I just wanted to tell the fanfiction world about my infinite repertoire of movie knowledge.

"Whatever," Violet muttered. She turned back to Uncle Monty. "What did the note _really _say?"

Uncle Monty still looked embarrassed from his _Fright Night_-induced outburst, but he managed to compose himself. "Gustav's note said something about how one of the snakes called him a mean name, and he became so depressed that he committed suicide," he said, then shrugged. "Or something like that. I can't remember. The handwriting was terrible."

"Wait," Klaus said. "Did you just say a _snake _called him a name?"

"Yeah," Uncle Monty said. "What of it? The snakes talk all the time. So does everyone else."

The Baudelaires backed away from him an inch.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Uncle Monty asked. He sighed. "I'll have to show you the Reptile Room sometime. But, anyway, back to what I was saying about Peru. We're going to Peru in—"

"We're going to Peru?" Klaus asked.

"Of course," Uncle Monty said. "You _were _listening when I talked about that, right?"

Klaus shifted from foot to foot. "No, not really," he admitted. "You said something about Gustav, then Random said something about movies, and at that point, we kind of got lost."

Uncle Monty sighed again. "Well, whatever," he said. "Anyway, we're going to Peru in a week, and it just so happens that I need three people to help me. I need someone to make snake traps, I need someone to read about Peru and snakes and whatnot, and I need someone to slice rope into tiny pieces. Convenient, right?"

"I like making things," Violet said.

"I like reading," Klaus said.

"Ika," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "I like biting and slicing. Mostly biting, but slicing's good too."

"Awesome!" Uncle Monty said, beaming. "Now, who wants to see the Reptile Room?"

"ME!" Klaus and Sunny yelled.

Me!

"Not me," Violet said, taking a few more steps back. "I'm with Mr. Poe on the fear-of-the-reptiles thing."

"Well, it's about time you got over that fear!" Uncle Monty boomed, putting his arm around Violet's shoulders and pushing her along. Klaus picked Sunny up and followed after them.

Uncle Monty led the Baudelaires into a room that was enormous, made of glass, and (like the exterior of the house) green. In fact, the glass was green. It was hard to tell the glass apart from some of the reptiles in that room, but luckily, many of the reptiles were a color other than green. There were brown, black, and fantastically multicolored reptiles sitting in black-barred cages on various tables. In one corner of the Reptile Room, there was a large bookshelf with several kinds of books (all on the subject of reptiles, of course). Violet was still a little apprehensive, but Klaus and Sunny looked around in wonder and Uncle Monty looked proud.

"This is so cool!" Klaus said.

"You are absolutely right," said a voice with a thick British accent. The Baudelaires and Uncle Monty turned around to see a large brown toad sitting on a log in its cage.

Violet's eyes bugged clear out of her head. "You _do _talk!" she said.

"Why, of course we do," said the toad. "All animals can speak English. We just choose not to. It might attract unwanted publicity. Monty, however, encouraged us to speak our minds. I am the Erudite Toad. Pleased to meet you, young lady."

Violet smiled. "I think I feel better about this place now."

"That's what I'm talkin' about, homegirl!" said a loud voice that was horribly familiar to the Baudelaires. They turned again and saw a gecko sitting on the top part of a small cage. (The lower level of the cage was taken by a small blue frog with wings that was flying around.) The gecko was the color of puke.

"That's disgusting, Random!" said Violet.

Hey, it was the only thing I could think of.

Violet rolled her eyes.

"This is the Gangster Gecko I was telling you about earlier," said Uncle Monty.

"Straight up, homedog!" the Gangster Gecko said proudly.

"Oh, great," Klaus sighed. "Just what we need. Mr. Poe in gecko form."

"Wanna hear my new rap album?" the Gangster Gecko asked.

"NO!" the Baudelaires screamed.

The Gangster Gecko looked sad for a moment, then went to the lower level of the cage to bother his winged neighbor.

"WHOA!" said another voice, which wasn't particularly British or gangster-ish in any way. The head of a black snake peeked out from under a white sheet that covered a cage in the far corner of the Reptile Room. "That's one pretty human!"

"Thank you," Violet said, blushing.

The snake blinked at her, then shook its head. "Not _you!_" it said. "_Her!_" It gestured towards Sunny.

Sunny blushed, smiled, and waved her small hand at the snake modestly.

Klaus looked horrified. "That's just…so_ wrong_," he stammered.

"This, my friends, is the Incredibly Deadly Viper." Uncle Monty looked and sounded incredibly proud of himself. "I just discovered him not too long ago."

"Yeah, well, things are gonna be deadly for him if he doesn't stop perving on my sister," Violet growled.

"I am _not _'perving' on her," the Incredibly Deadly Viper said. "I was just complimenting her. Monty, why don't you let me out and allow me to make the acquaintance of these guys?"

"NO!" Violet and Klaus screamed.

Too late. Uncle Monty released the Viper, who slithered over to Sunny and bit her on the chin.

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

_**Neal Daniels **__– A reference to the film _The Bourne Ultimatum. _The character Neal Daniels is a source who has been leaking information to the press about CIA secrets._

_**Fright Night / **__**"HIS DINNER IS IN THE OVEN! BLEH!"**_ _– _Fright Night _is a 1985 movie about a vampire. The line __"HIS DINNER IS IN THE OVEN!"_ _is a line spoken by a character in that film, after another character finds a note. My mom loves _Fright Night, _so I hope she appreciates the reference._

_By the way, all that stuff about PG-13 and the rating system? It's true. Look it up on Wikipedia._


	3. My Cousin Took Over The Computer

**Chapter 3: My Cousin Took Over The Computer**

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun was fun dun dun dun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dun dun dun dund dund dud dun dun dund dund dund dund dun dund dun dund dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun funf funf dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dundun dun dun dun dun dun dun blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

"Katherine, what are you doing?" Random asked.

Random's young cousin, Katherine, didn't look away from the computer screen. "Typing," she said, pressing her fingers down on the Shift key and the 1 key to make more exclamation points.

"Katherine, I'm afraid you're gonna have to get off the computer," Random said. "I'm gonna type a story."

"Okay," Katherine said agreeably, and got out of the chair. Random sat down and started typing as Katherine looked on.

* * *

Sorry about that. My cousin took over the computer while I was going to the bathroom. It won't happen again, I promise. (Actually, I can't promise anything, since I have no control over what day my cousins come to visit.) Also, I'm sorry that I left you hanging about the Incredibly Deadly Viper biting Sunny and all. Like I said, I had to go to the bathroom. So, no hard feelings? Great! Let's move on, shall we?

Previously, on _The Revised Reptile Room _(insert ominous music here), the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit Sunny, Violet and Klaus were screaming, and Uncle Monty was…uh, doing nothing. Do something, you idiot!

Uncle Monty ignored me.

"YOU JERK!" Violet shrieked, punching Uncle Monty in the arm. "MAKE THAT THING LET SUNNY GO!"

"Ow," Uncle Monty said, weakly. He rubbed his arm to make the pain go away.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper's teeth let go of Sunny's chin. "Hey, don't hurt Monty!" he said. "And if you wanted me to let Sunny go, you could have just asked, you know." He looked at Sunny and grinned in a very reptilian way. "Your name's Sunny, huh? That's a pretty name."

"Bubo," Sunny said, which meant, "Thank you."

The Viper coiled his body around her in a possessive manner. Violet and Klaus turned to Uncle Monty, glaring. "Why did you let a snake called the _Incredibly Deadly Viper _bite our sister?" Klaus asked angrily.

Uncle Monty, who was trying to bite back giggles at this point, suddenly burst out laughing. He laughed loud and hard, so hard that he fell over and pounded his fists on the floor in mirth. "I can't believe it!" he chortled. "You—you—you _fell _for it!"

"Fell for _what?_" Violet asked, her eyes narrowing.

"My trick!" Uncle Monty giggled. "The Incredibly Deadly Viper is actually really nice! Since I discovered it, I got to name it, and I named him that to get back at those jerks at the Herpetological Society. They're always playing pranks on me and being mean. And you want to know something else?"

"What?" Klaus said.

"Well, since Sunny's a human, the Viper bit her on the chin," said Uncle Monty. "Had Sunny been a snake, he would have bitten her on the tail. When a male snake bites a female snake on the tail, that's the equivalent of a human male kissing the hand of a human female. It also means he's in love."

Cue awkward silence.

Violet's face turned completely white and her eyes enlarged to the size of dinner plates. Klaus keeled over and threw up.

Guys, calm down. It's played for comedy, and besides, it's not actually going to happen.

The Viper looked up at the ceiling, convinced that was where my voice was coming from. "What do you mean, mysterious voice?" he asked. "Are you saying you're not going to let Sunny and I get together?"

Um, are you freaking kidding me? There's no way in that hot place that rhymes with "swell" that I'm going to let you date Sunny.

"That's a really crappy euphemism for—" Klaus began.

QUIET, FINK!

Violet sighed. "Random, can't you just say a swear word for once?" she asked. "In fact, _that word _is hardly even a swear!"

Take it up with my parents. They don't want me swearing in stories.

"_How_ old are you, again?"

What makes you think I'm gonna tell you? There could be Internet predators lurking around, you know. (By the way, a message to all Internet predators who get their kicks by looking for poor, innocent young victims: you deserve to be shot dead by a government assassin and have your body roast in the fiery pits of Langley. The end.)

"Langley doesn't have fiery pits," Uncle Monty piped up. "I went there once. That's where I found the Virginian Wolfsnake." He pointed to a cage that contained a large snake with shaggy black fur all over its body. It was muttering into a transmitter.

"Code in," the Wolfsnake said. "Code _in_, you guys!"

"WE'RE NOT CODING IN!" the other reptiles yelled as one.

The Wolfsnake whimpered and backed against the bars of its cage.

"Homie, keep that secret agent thing on the DL," said the Gangster Gecko.

"Yes," said the Erudite Toad. "Living in the same place as the CIA headquarters does not make you a secret agent."

"Whatever," the Wolfsnake huffed.

Violet made sure the reptiles were done talking before she said anything else to me. "Look, Random, just say _one _little swear word," she said. "All this censorship is just plain unnatural for a girl of your age."

Fine, fine. (Beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep). Are you happy now?

"You didn't swear!" Violet protested. "All you did was say (beep)!"

Ooh, Violet, you just cussed.

"WHY YOU LITTLE—!"

A lightning bolt struck her. She blinked.

"Do those two always fight like that?" asked Uncle Monty.

"You have _no _idea," said Klaus.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper cut into the conversation. "So, mysterious voice, why can't I pair up with Sunny?" he asked.

Because I'd like to keep this story at a K plus rating, thank you very much.

"Can't you just magically turn me into a human? This appears to be your story, so you should be able to do whatever you want," the Viper insisted.

Yeah, but I _don't_ want to pair you up with Sunny. It's good to use if you're trying to be funny, but if it's taken seriously, it's just plain gross.

"Says you," the Viper muttered angrily. He let go of Sunny and slithered off to a corner so he could sink into a little puddle of depression. (There was a murky brown puddle in that corner. The reptiles took a dip in there when they were feeling down.)

"Orune?" Sunny said, which meant something like, "Random, why did you make the Viper depressed?"

Oh, you poor, poor, oblivious child. I'll tell you when you're eighteen, okay? I mean, I'll probably be dead by then, but…

"No, you'll still be alive," Klaus said. "When Sunny's eighteen, you'll probably be in your thirties."

Okay, that's good to know. Now, Uncle Monty, weren't you going to tell the kids something?

"Um…" Uncle Monty said.

Oh, for Treadstone's sake, just SAY SOMETHING!

"I've never seen Random _that _angry before!" Violet said. She was ignored.

Finally, Uncle Monty started to talk. "Oh, yeah, I _was _going to say something!" he said. "You know that trip to Peru I keep talking about? Well, we need to prepare for it!" He looked up at the ceiling, because he also believed that my voice was somehow emanating from it. "Did I already tell them that?"

I can't remember. Just keep talking.

Uncle Monty looked back at the Baudelaires. "Anyway," he continued, "we need to be prepared for this trip. So I have a schedule worked out, you see. After breakfast, we will come in here. Violet will make the traps, Klaus will read those big, fat books, and Sunny will bite rope. After that, we'll eat dinner and go to the movies. Got it?"

"Works for us," Klaus said, nodding. Then he frowned. "I have a question, though. How big _are _those books?"

"Haven't you _seen _those things?" Uncle Monty asked. "They're even bigger than _me!_"

Klaus gulped.

"How big will the traps have to be?" Violet asked.

Uncle Monty shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. About as big as one of my books, possibly bigger."

Violet gulped.

"Rope?" Sunny asked.

"The pieces of rope should be as small as you can possibly make them," Uncle Monty said. "But it really doesn't matter to me. Do whatever you like."

Sunny smiled.

Uncle Monty smiled back. "Well, what are you guys waiting for? Let's get cracking!"

Now, reader, if you are a follower of my previous story, _The Badly Written Beginning_, you should be able to remember that story's third chapter, where there was a montage of the children's first week at Count Olaf's place. I will do the same thing here, but the montage will be of the children's first week at Uncle Monty's place. Get it? Got it? Good.

**Day One.**

"Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!" Violet squealed, hugging the living daylights out of her new guardian. "We all get our own rooms? Do you really mean that?"

"Of course," Uncle Monty said with a smile. "I know that siblings drive each other crazy when they're forced to share a room, so I thought it would be better to give you all some space."

Violet did a joyous little dance, then stopped suddenly. "Wait. You're not gonna make us pee in a bucket, are you?"

Klaus and Sunny both facepalmed. Uncle Monty looked as though he were ready to drop her off at the funny farm. The Gangster Gecko (which had hitched a ride on Uncle Monty's shoulder) gave her a quizzical look and asked, "What have you been smokin', homegirl?"

**Day Two.**

Klaus struggled to lift the book off the shelf. Uncle Monty was right—these books were huge. This book in particular wasn't as big as Uncle Monty, but it was certainly bigger than any of the Baudelaire orphans. Klaus pulled at it some more so he could read the title, or at least a small portion of the title: _The B Of_. Frustrated, he put both hands on the book's spine and tugged at it as hard as he possibly could, hoping to finally pull it off the bookshelf.

Well, it came off the shelf all right. It also fell right on top of Klaus. Sunny, who was idly crawling around the floor chewing on a piece of rope, studied the title of the book that had crushed her brother: _The Big Peruvian Book Of Small Peruvian Snakes_.

"Kiku," she said, which meant something like, "Wow. When they say 'big,' they _mean _'big.'"

The Incredibly Deadly Viper had crawled out of the puddle of depression and made another attempt to put the moves on Sunny. He slithered over to her and tried to rest his head against her small shoulder, but Violet picked up a rock and threw it at him. The Viper's head became crushed under the aforementioned rock.

"Thanks for the rock, Random," Violet said.

No problem.

"You know, Random, sometimes you're not so bad."

Right back at ya, Violet. Say, don't you have a trap you're testing out?

"Oh, duh!" Violet said, slapping herself in the face for getting distracted. She went back to what she had previously been doing: trying to coax the Virginian Wolfsnake out of its cage. "Come on, Wolfsnake. I just need you to help me test this trap. Please?"

The Wolfsnake (whose nickname was David, by the way) glared at her with his dark eyes. "No."

**Day Three.**

The Parroting Python squawked in an oddly bird-like manner. "I'm a pretty snake! I'm a pretty snake!"

"More like a pretty _stupid _snake," growled its neighbor, the Irascible Python.

"Hey, man, don't be hatin' on Parrot Boy," the Gangster Gecko said. "Peace, homies!"

Klaus looked over at the gecko while handling the Inky Newt. Unfortunately for him, the newt's black dye got all over his fingers and the newt scurried away while it had the chance, but the middle Baudelaire didn't mind that at the moment. "Are you supposed to be a gangster or a hippie?" he asked. "Because I thought that hippies were the ones who liked peace and all that."

"Hipster," Sunny said.

The Gangster Gecko rolled its eyes at Klaus. "I ain't a hippie," it said. (Did I ever confirm whether or not the Gangster Gecko is male? Because it is. I mean, _he _is. Sorry.) "But I ain't one of them nasty gangbangers who go around shootin' people. All I wanna do is rap!"

"Well, it would be hard for you to shoot someone, since you don't have arms," Klaus said.

Speaking of arms, Violet's arms were stuck in a particularly elaborate snake trap. "Someone help me!" she cried. "I'm stuck over here, people! Why isn't anyone coming?"

Uncle Monty watched with interest and ate popcorn.

Since Violet was trapped and Klaus was engrossed in a conversation with the Gangster Gecko, the Incredibly Deadly Viper saw his chance to win Sunny's heart. He wrapped his tail around Sunny's body and started to carry her off to his cage, but a gigantic boulder fell from the sky and flattened him, making his body go limp and forcing him to free Sunny, who was still blissfully unaware of the Viper's affections for her.

**Day Four.**

Klaus sighed. "Look, I think it's cool that you can leap and all, but how am I supposed to paint your scales for you if you're leaping all over the room?"

"I'm just getting some exercise," said the Lovely Leaping Lizard as she—you guessed it—leaped all around the Reptile Room. The other female reptiles watched her with a mix of admiration and jealousy. Klaus saw the way she smiled and winked at a group of drooling male lizards and guessed that exercise wasn't her only reason for her session of leaping.

"Do lizards even _have _scales?" asked the Silly Salamander. Everyone ignored him.

"No, no, NO!" Violet yelled. She wasn't answering the Silly Salamander's question, but she was yelling out in frustration because the small blue frog with wings (better known as The Flying Frog) had escaped one of her traps. "How come my traps aren't working? This sucks!"

"Well, I'm little," the Flying Frog said. "You might be better off using a bigger reptile as a test subject."

"The freaking Wolfsnake won't cooperate!" Violet snapped, pointing at David, who was swimming in the puddle of depression in the corner. He was mad because he wasn't a real secret agent, so he had decided to take out a gun and shoot everyone out of anger. But then he remembered that he had no hands, and he didn't even a have a gun, so he got really depressed.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper slithered over to Sunny again. "I'm going to say this quickly, just in case your sister throws something at me again," he said. He took a deep breath. "Wanna go on a date with me?"

Sunny blinked.

Klaus heard the Viper, pulled a giant tree branch out of his pocket, and threw it at the snake. You guessed it, it crushed him.

**Day Five.**

When the Baudelaires were done working for the day, they always ate dinner with Uncle Monty. (As opposed to eating Uncle Monty for dinner.)

"Don't say things like that!" Uncle Monty shrieked.

"You'll have to forgive Random," Klaus said. "She has a weird sense of humor."

As I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted, the Baudelaires were eating dinner with Uncle Monty. While the four people ate, Uncle Monty told stories of his travels and of the people and reptiles he'd met during his visits.

"I went to France once," Uncle Monty was telling the children.

Ooh, France! Was it _très bien_? Tell _moi _more about it, _s'il vous plait_.

Everyone stared at me.

Hey, blame French class. It's awesome. Do you know French, Uncle Monty?

"No…" Uncle Monty began.

Well then, you suck and I'm not interested. NEXT!

"Let Uncle Monty finish the story!" Violet said. "Tell us about France."

"In France, I met a snake that spoke French," Uncle Monty said. "He's still not quite an expert at English, but he's getting there."

"Which snake is the French one?" Klaus asked.

"The Mamba du Mal," Uncle Monty replied. "You know, that really poisonous one I warned you about?"

There was a silence.

"Laza," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "No _wonder _we can't understand that guy when he talks."

**Day Six.**

After the Baudelaires and Uncle Monty were finished with dinner, they always went to the movies. Usually they could all agree on a movie, and made sure not to see something that was too violent for Sunny (although, strangely, she always seemed more interested in the violent ones). But tonight, Uncle Monty decided to leave himself out of picking the movie and made the children decide for themselves. The kids looked at the movie listings in the newspaper, searching for a movie that sounded good and a time that was convenient.

"Let's go see _The Proposal_," Violet said. "The previews looked good, and the critics were pretty nice to it."

"No, let's go see _District 9_," Klaus said. "I think the storyline sounds really interesting."

"Myers," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "No, let's go see _Halloween II_."

Violet and Klaus looked at her weirdly. Uncle Monty clapped a hand to his face in shock.

"Sunny Baudelaire!" the children's guardian exclaimed. "That movie is rated R and is _extremely _violent!"

"Kwat?" Sunny asked, which meant something like, "How do _you _know?"

Uncle Monty did shifty eyes. "Because…I've already seen it."

"Ohemjee!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "Oh my God! I'm so jealous! Was it good?"

"It sucked," Uncle Monty said.

Sunny looked disappointed.

"So, what should we do?" Klaus asked.

Long story short, they ended up staying home and watching a DVD instead. Poor them.

**Day Seven.**

_Dear Violet, Klaus, and Sunny,_

_I went into town to buy some stuff for the trip. Canned ravioli, microwave dinners, underwear, toothbrushes, toothpaste, bug spray, sleeping bags, pads (just in case it becomes that time of the month for Violet)__—the necessities, you know?_

_By the way, my new assistant arrives today. His name is__… Steven? Stephen? Stephano? Yeah, that's it! Stephano. Make sure you're nice to him and such. It's not like he's gonna turn out to be Count Olaf or something._

_Your distantly-related uncle,_

_Monty_

Klaus gulped. "Guys, bad things usually happen when our guardian leaves us notes," he said. "Remember when Olaf left us those notes?"

"I remember," Violet said. "I just hope Stephano doesn't turn out to be Olaf like the letter said. That would be so ironic, you know?"

The doorbell rang, interrupting the children's conversation. The Baudelaires kept what the letter said about Stephano in mind and hesitantly inched toward the door. Violet took a deep breath and opened it to reveal a man with a beard and no eyebrows, but all the same, there was something about him that looked extremely familiar.

The man smiled.

"Miss me?"

* * *

Author's Note: _Before the questions come up, I just want to say this: No, I've never seen _Halloween II. _I'm pretty sure Uncle Monty is right about how violent it is, though. (On a side note, I did see _The Proposal. _It wasn't the best movie in the world, but it was funny. As for _District 9, _I agree with Klaus. I think it sounds interesting.)_

_And to those who want to know if the series will be continued: Oh, yes, it will. I plan on making parodies of all thirteen books. You have my word on that._

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

_**Treadstone**__– For those who don't remember from the first parody, Treadstone is the CIA black ops group from the Bourne series._

_**The Big Peruvian Book Of Small Peruvian Snakes **__– This is a book mentioned in the original second novel._

_**The Virginian Wolfsnake **__– This is a snake mentioned in the original book. Since it's called the "Virginian" Wolfsnake, I thought it would make sense for the snake to come from Virginia. Since Langley, Virginia, is where the CIA headquarters is located, I made the Wolfsnake into a wanna-be secret agent. The Wolfsnake's nickname is of my own creation (and it's also a reference to David Webb, Jason Bourne's real name)._


	4. Way To Kill The Moment, Bookworm

**Chapter 4: Way To Kill The Moment, Bookworm**

_Previously, on __"__The Revised Reptile Room__"…_

Stephano smiled.

"Miss me?"

The Baudelaires stared at him, and their jaws fell open in shock. Ominous organ music started playing in the background. A random woman screamed. Lightning flashed in the sky and the sound of thunder filled the air. In short, it was a horrible, ghastly moment.

"Wait, who are you again?" Klaus asked.

The scary stuff in the background paused suddenly.

"Way to kill the moment, bookworm," Stephano said, glaring.

"How do you know I'm a bookworm?" Klaus questioned, slowly backing away from the strange new assistant. "Are you, like, stalking us or something?"

Violet smacked him upside the head. "Of course he's stalking us!" she said. "He's Count Olaf in disguise. He just shaved his eyebrow off and grew a beard. Maybe Mr. Poe talked to him." She pulled on Stephano's beard, but instead of causing him pain, the beard came right off. Stephano screamed like a girl.

"_Don't touch that!_" he hissed, swatting Violet's hands away. "It took me _hours _to get that fake beard to stick to my face!"

It took you _heures_, you mean.

Stephano stared blankly.

"Random's taking French," Violet explained.

"I see," Stephano said. He looked up at the ceiling. That's not where my voice is coming from, nimrod. "You're still here, Random?"

Of course. What else would I be doing? My Bourne parodies are all finished, so I can devote my every waking moment to writing this story.

Violet gulped after hearing that. "Are you serious?"

Yep. You guys aren't safe from me anymore. And I'm going to promise the readers that I'll try to update much more frequently than I used to. Did you get that, readers? I hope so.

"Oh, man, we're gonna be in for a world of hurt," Violet said.

"Hapsa," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "I don't think it's so bad to have Random around."

Thank you, Sunny. And by the way, Violet, didn't you say I wasn't so bad last chapter?

"Well, I did," Violet admitted. "But who knows what you might do to us now that you can devote all of your time to writing this?"

Violet, just remember this: if you don't bite, I won't bite back. Got it?

"Okay," she said.

Stephanolaf snapped his fingers. "Hey! I'm in this story, too, you know!" he said. Then he realized what I called him, and he looked at me. "What did you just call me? Stephanolaf?"

Yeah. I think it's fun to call you that.

"Fun for who?"

Me.

"Figures."

Figures? What kind of figures? You mean like porcelain ones?

Stephanolaf rolled his eyes, then turned back to the Baudelaires. "Anyway, now that I'm here, it's time to lay down some ground rules," he said.

"This isn't even your house!" Klaus piped up.

Stephanolaf ignored him. "Rule number one: if Montgomery tells you to help me out, do it. Rule number two: if I tell you to help me out, do it. Rule number three: don't make me angry, or I'll chop off your toes with my knife." He held his large butcher knife in the air for emphasis. "Rule number four: don't try to poison me. Rule number five: don't sic any snakes or lizards or whatever on me. And rule number six: my name is Stephano. You will not call me Count Olaf, you will not call me Stephen, you will not call me Steve, and YOU WILL DEFINITELY NOT CALL ME STEPHANOLAF!" He glared at the Baudelaires, who were staring at him with wide eyes, then glared at the ceiling. "That means you, Random!"

Oh, fine, _Stephano_. Gosh, you're such a Treadstone operative.

"Don't call me that, either," the Treadstone operative snapped. "What does it mean, anyway?"

Um…it's an ancient Czechoslovakian swear word.

"Say WHAT?" the Treadstone operative shrieked.

"Good job, Random!" Violet said. "You're cussing Stephano out in Czechoslovakian!"

"Hang on a second!" Klaus said. "I know ancient and foreign swear words, and that word doesn't sound Czechoslovakian—"

I glared at him.

He shut up.

"You know foreign swear words?" Violet asked. "Where did you learn them?"

"None of your business," Klaus muttered.

The Treadstone operative sighed, clearly annoyed at the overuse of the Czech swear word. "Look, is Dr. Montgomery around?" he asked. "And where's the bathroom?"

"Go upstairs, take a right," Klaus said.

The Treadstone operative did just that.

Violet made sure the Treadstone operative was out of earshot before speaking. "Is 'Treadstone operative' really a Czechoslovakian swear word?" she asked.

No. I lied. And believe it or not, I'm actually getting sick of repeating that phrase, so I'll just call him Stephano from now on.

"Trakk?" Sunny asked, which probably meant something like, "How did he find us?"

"He wants our fortune, right?" Violet said. "And you know what Mom always said. If you really want something, you'll chase it."

"Didn't she say that right before chasing Dad around the house, demanding that he hand over the coffee machine?" Klaus asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Violet replied.

Suddenly, Klaus got goosebumps. "Violet, remember Olaf's assistants?" he said. "What if they followed him here? What if they have the house surrounded? What if they try to eat us?"

Oh, right, I almost forgot to tell you. For those not in the loop, Olaf's—Stephano's—_that guy__'s _merry band of freaks and part-time cannibals consisted of Fernald, a man with hooks for hands; Not-Ted, a bald man; a large he-she creature with no name; Flo and Tocuna, the women who used to have white faces, but now have green faces because of a makeup-related mishap; Rope, a short-haired woman who had controlled the curtains during a theatrical production the Baudelaires had been forced to star in; and Wart Face, a guy with warts all over his face. Why do I call these guys "part-time cannibals"? Well, during the theatrical production that I mentioned, Rope and Not-Ted ate three pancake-men to keep the audience interested. Don't ask.

Violet waited until the paragraph was done, then snorted at her brother. "We're not going to get eaten."

"I'm serious, Violet! What if Olaf tries to eat our livers?" Klaus asked worriedly.

"Get real, Klaus. You've been watching too many movies," Violet said, rolling her eyes.

"Didn't you already say that? Like, in another chapter or the last story or something?"

"I don't know."

"Who said that?"

"That was me, Klaus."

"Who's 'me'?"

"Uh-oh. Looks like Random lost track of who was speaking again."

"I think she's just bored, and she wants an excuse to make the chapter longer."

I decided to make Violet and Klaus stop talking to each other, because I was confused. And when the author's confused, that's usually not a good thing.

"Hey, Violet," Klaus said suddenly, poking his sister in the arm. "What if Uncle Monty and Olaf are working together? What if Uncle Monty tries to eat us?"

"Oh, for God's sake, Klaus!" Violet screamed, slapping Klaus across the face. "Uncle Monty is _not _trying to eat us! He's an idiot, but he's not a cannibal! Now, if you don't stop talking about cannibals, I'll rip out your spine and beat you with it!"

"How is that even possible?" Klaus asked. Then he paused. "Wait, I think Random just made another reference."

Violet turned around and looked at me. She crossed her arms, glared, and tapped her foot impatiently.

Okay, fine, it's a _Maximum Ride _reference. Max says something along those lines early in the second book.

"At least you admitted it," Violet muttered. "So, what do we do now?"

"Omyka," Sunny said, which meant something like, "Let's wait for Uncle Monty to get home. He'll know what to do. I think."

Klaus took a deep breath, not knowing if the suggestion he was about to utter would be well-received. He glanced around the room for a second, as if to make sure nobody was listening, then faced Violet. "Do you think we should call Mr. Poe?" he asked, and braced himself for negative feedback.

"Absolutely _not_," Violet said. "He'd probably come over here and meet the Gangster Gecko, and then we'd all be in trouble."

"So we wait," Klaus sighed.

"We wait," Violet agreed.

"Akaral," Sunny said.

They waited. And waited. And waited and waited and waited and waited. Soon, they got tired of the repetitions of "and waited" and ended up going to the Reptile Room to make an attempt at taking their minds off Stephano, who was still in the bathroom because he'd fallen into the toilet bowl. Ha. Take that. Violet kept trying to get David to help her test the snake traps, but he wouldn't budge and instead stayed scrunched up against the bars in the very back, muttering suspiciously into his transmitter. Klaus pulled a bottle of pink nail polish from the shelf and started applying the polish to the Lovely Leaping Lizard's scales. Sunny tried to bite some rope, but found that her teeth weren't in the mood to do much of anything. She let the rope fall out of her mouth.

The Incredibly Deadly Viper sensed that something was wrong, and slithered over to Sunny without Violet or Klaus noticing. He wrapped his tail around her small shoulders and gave her the best massage a reptile could give. "Something's bothering you, isn't it?" he said. "Something unpleasant."

"Oon," Sunny replied with a nod.

"Well, what's the matter?" the Viper asked. "You can tell me."

"Leviyug," Sunny sighed, which meant something along the lines of, "An evil man is stalking me and my siblings, and now he's in disguise so nobody will be able to tell who he really is."

Violet looked up from a trap with a faulty door, and glared at the Viper. "You perverted snake! You just won't quit!" she yelled in frustration. She yanked the door off the trap and threw it at the much-abused snake. It smacked him in the face and knocked him into a coma.

Sunny didn't know why her sister had called the Viper perverted, or why she'd thrown the trap door at him, but she didn't bother asking for details. Violet was probably PMSing.

Meanwhile, Klaus was dealing with the most incredibly self-obsessed lizard he'd ever encountered—and probably the _only _self-obsessed lizard he'd ever encountered. "Did I do a good job?" he asked hopefully.

The Lovely Leaping Lizard inspected her new pink scales in a mirror. She frowned. "You missed a spot."

Klaus dumped the bottle of nail polish all over her head. She was not pleased.

A loud noise came from upstairs. "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!! Why can't I get myself out of this TOILET?" Stephano yelled. Then there was sound like a toilet seat being lifted from the ground, and another enraged cry. The Baudelaires snickered.

The screech of a car interrupted the trio's giggle fit, and they dashed to the windows to see who had arrived. It was none other than Uncle Monty, who was getting out of his car and carrying tons of grocery bags. I don't know how he managed to fit all of the bags in his arms, but I'm willing to bet that it was a tough job, because Uncle Monty dropped all the bags on the floor as soon as he entered the house and started trying to regain his breath.

"Man, that Wal-Mart was a zoo!" he said. "Why does everyone have to do their grocery shopping on Thursday? Oh, and in case you were wondering, Violet, I bought some pads for you." He pulled a light green package out of a bag and tossed it at the eldest Baudelaire. "You _do _use Always pads, don't you?"

Violet blushed. "That is _none _of your business."

"And guess what I found for you, Klaus?" Uncle Monty held up a pair of oversize underpants. "Underwear with pictures of books on them! I thought you'd like that, being a big reader and all."

"AWESOME!" Klaus said. And he really meant it.

"And…" Uncle Monty suddenly looked sheepish. "Sunny, I could only find four sleeping bags, for me, Stephano, Violet, and Klaus. You'll have to sleep in the suitcase. I hope that's okay with you."

"_Non_," Sunny said in a French accent.

The Viper slithered over to her again. "I have a liking for the French language, you know," he said.

Klaus picked him up, swung him over his head like a lasso, and threw him back into the Reptile Room.

"Thanks," Violet said.

"No problem," Klaus said.

"Did Stephano ever come?" Uncle Monty asked. "Where is he?"

As if on cue, the bathroom door swung open and Stephano ran downstairs. The entire toilet was stuck to his butt, and his pants had fallen down to his ankles. His face was completely red with anger, and the Baudelaires immediately burst out laughing at this ridiculous sight. Uncle Monty blinked and stared. Stephano glared at the Baudelaires and struggled to regain what was left of his dignity.

"There seems to be a problem with your toilet," he said tightly.

"Yeah, I can tell," Uncle Monty said. "Looks like you got yourself into a pickle."

"Actually, he got himself into a toilet," Klaus corrected, and he and his sisters just laughed even harder.

Stephano narrowed his eyes.

Uncle Monty remained oblivious to this and pulled a tube of toothpaste out of one of the grocery bags. "Hey, Stephano, do you like Colgate? Because that's all I got," he said.

"Yes, Colgate is just fine," Stephano said through gritted teeth, still glaring at the children.

Uncle Monty frowned. "Oh, don't be so hard on the kids," he chided gently. "They've been through a lot, you know. Let them joke around."

Stephano nodded and plastered a smile on his face. "Yes, I will do that. Can you at least help me get this toilet off my butt, please?" he asked.

"Certainly," Uncle Monty said agreeably. "I have a pair of pliers in the kitchen. Let me get them." He ran off to the kitchen, although not before tripping over an excess of bags. When he was gone, Stephano continued glaring at the children.

"_One more joke_ and I will slit your throats, I swear," he threatened.

Violet and Sunny went rigid and their eyes bulged out of their heads. They nodded in understanding, but Klaus just couldn't resist. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he asked, and started giggling to himself.

Stephano slapped him and stalked off. Klaus rubbed his cheek and asked a very good question. "Why am _I _always the one getting slapped?"

Didn't you ask the same kind of question in the first parody, too?

"I don't know," said Klaus.

Well, neither do I.

"Why not? You're the author."

Yeah, but I don't remember every little thing that happened in the first parody.

"I guess you're not as smart as you think you are, huh?" laughed Klaus.

A hole opened up in the ground and Klaus fell through it. Violet looked down at him.

"It's about time you started getting picked on," she said with a smirk.


	5. STEAK IN A POT!

Author's Note: _SOMEONE PLEASE REVIEW THIS. My reviewers are all abandoning me! _

* * *

**Chapter 5: STEAK IN A POT?!**

Violet was merciless in her teasing of Klaus and his little fall into the hole. He begged her to stop, but she wouldn't do it. She just kept pointing and laughing, blowing raspberries, and making up annoying songs about how someone other than her was finally getting picked on by me.

"Violet, shut the heck up! I didn't tease _you _when Random picked on you!" Klaus whined.

"I know, but this is just too awesome!" Violet said. "I'm finally getting a reprieve!"

Klaus looked into the nothingness that was my voice. "Random, this isn't going to become a regular thing, is it?" he asked.

Well, it all depends on how nice you are. Or how bored I am. Either one. Hey, you know what I just remembered? Sunny! I guess my friend was right. Nobody worries about the baby.

"You have friends?" Klaus asked.

A random thug walked in and whacked Klaus with a briefcase. Then he left.

Violet fell on the floor and started rolling around, laughing. Sunny, who happened to be standing right next to her, was looking at her older siblings and shaking her head.

"Makuri!" she said, which meant something along the lines of, "I can't believe my siblings are so immature!"

The Incredibly Deadly Viper, who had a black eye and several bent places in his body after being crushed by rocks and various other things, tried to slither over to Sunny again. The random thug came back and threw the briefcase on top of the Viper, and he was—you guessed it—crushed. Luckily, he was starting to get used to it, so it didn't hurt as much. Sunny was oblivious to all of this.

"Can someone help me out of this hole? Please?" Klaus said.

"Children!" Uncle Monty called from the kitchen. "I pried the toilet off of Stephano's butt! Please come and get ready for dinner!"

"What are we eating?" Violet asked.

"Steak in a pot! Come and get it!"

STEAK IN A POT?! OH MY GOD! I LOVE STEAK IN A POT! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Violet and Sunny stared at me blankly.

Sorry, guys. I just really like steak in a pot.

"Yeah, we gathered that," Violet said.

"It's going to be awfully hard to feed you, since you're only a disembodied voice and all," said Uncle Monty, strolling into the living room.

Fine. Be that way.

"Stephano's already in the kitchen, guys," Uncle Monty said to the Baudelaire sisters, apparently not noticing the hole in the middle of the room. "Come quickly, or the food will get cold. By the way, where's your brother?"

Violet pulled Klaus out of the hole by his hair. She let him dangle precariously over the hole for a minute (which was quite entertaining to her, but not so much to him) before finally dropping him to the floor. He got up and dusted himself off, looking annoyed.

"What happened to you, Klaus?" Uncle Monty asked.

"I tripped," Klaus said.

Uncle Monty shrugged. "Ah, well. No biggie. Now let's get our hands on that steak in a pot!" He ran back into the kitchen.

STEAK IN A POT?! OH MY GOD! I LOVE STEAK IN A POT!

"Deyza?" Sunny asked, which meant something like, "Haven't we been through this already?"

Violet sighed. "Yes, Sunny, we most certainly have. Let's just go eat dinner."

"What's for dinner, anyway?" Klaus asked.

Violet and Sunny glared at him.

"What?" Klaus said, backing away from his sisters. Their glares were kind of scaring him. They weren't quite as scary as the Dagger Stare of Doom, but they were close.

"Do we really have to tell you?" Violet asked.

"Yes," Klaus said.

Violet looked around to make sure nobody was listening, then whispered, "Steak in a pot."

STEAK IN A POT?!

"AAARRRRRGH!"

And with that, Violet grabbed her siblings by the arm and dragged them into the kitchen, scowling all the way.

In the kitchen, Stephano and Uncle Monty were already sitting down with bowls of STEAK IN A POT! in front of them. Stephano glared at the children, daring them to reveal his identity, which Uncle Monty didn't notice. "Your bowls are already on the table," the herpetologist told the Baudelaires, gesturing to three hot, steaming bowls of steak in a pot that were indeed on the table. The Baudelaires sat down in their respective chairs.

Stephano stared at Violet.

"What are you looking at, freak?!" Violet snapped.

"Violet Baudelaire!" Uncle Monty scolded. "We do not talk to guests that way!"

"Girl, you need to shave your legs," Stephano said. "Look at that hair! If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were growing beards on them!" He pulled out his knife. "Let me help you with that."

Uncle Monty's face turned white. "Uh…Stephano?"

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," Stephano muttered. He used the knife to chop a patch of hair off Violet's leg. The knife cut into Violet's skin, and her leg started to bleed.

"OH MY GOD!" Violet screamed, jumping back and slapping the disguised count's hand away. She gave him the Dagger Stare of Doom. "Look, why don't you just shave yourself? I'm sure you need it more than me."

Stephano thought it over. "You know, I really hate to say this, but you're right!" he said. He rolled up one of his pant legs to reveal a mass of hair even more disgusting than Violet's. The Baudelaires and Uncle Monty cringed at the sight, but they were ignored. Stephano took his knife and started to shave off the hair, but about halfway through the shaving session, he began to move his knife back and forth instead of up and down, and…well…

"EEK!" Stephano squealed. "I JUST CUT MY LEG OFF!"

Stephano's leg was very confused by the sudden turn of events, and began to jump around the room wildly, even without the support of a body. The place where Stephano's leg had once been attached to the rest of him was now little more than a bloody stump. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny laughed like hyenas and ate some popcorn as they watched the scene play out.

Uncle Monty wasn't the least bit disturbed by this. "Not to fear, Mr. Stephano! I have duct tape!" he declared, running into another room in hot pursuit of the aforementioned duct tape.

"Does he really think duct tape will help me?" Stephano asked.

"Hey, this is the house of talking reptiles. Anything is possible," Klaus said.

Yeah. Like, I could make Stephano get kicked in the vulgarities by his own disembodied leg.

"Vulgarities?" Klaus asked.

"I think Random's talking about making Stephano's own leg kick him in the private parts," Violet said.

"Hystria!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "Hey, that sounds like it would be funny! Do it, Random!" She stuffed more popcorn in her mouth. Don't ask me how a baby can eat popcorn. Maybe it has something to do with how sharp her only teeth are.

"No, Random! Author girl! Don't do it!" Stephano yelled.

I won't hurt you if you promise me something.

"What is it?"

I get to call you Stephanolaf the Treadstone Operative. Whenever I want.

"What? No way!"

Then you leave me no choice.

Stephano's leg hopped over and kicked its owner in the vulgarities. Repeatedly. The Baudelaires had a good laugh over it while poor (or not-so-poor) Stephano howled in pain. The leg stopped wreaking havoc as soon as Uncle Monty returned with some duct tape and promptly taped the leg back to Stephano's body.

"I wasn't sure what your favorite color was, so I just got red tape," Uncle Monty said.

"Red tape is fine," Stephano said, making a mental note to paint the tape green whenever he got the chance.

Uncle Monty sat back down at the table and dinner commenced. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny could hardly eat. This was partly because they'd been snacking on popcorn, and also because Stephano made them incredibly nervous. The steak in a pot was pretty good, though.

"Now, Stephano, would you care to tell us about yourself?" Uncle Monty asked. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Italy," Stephano replied. "Turin, if you want to get technical about it."

"Italy is weak," Klaus mumbled in a funny accent. Violet and Sunny snickered. Luckily, the adults didn't notice.

NO OFFENSE TO ANY ITALIANS READING THIS. It's a reference to the TV show _Seinfeld_. Long story. Thank you. (All offense is meant to Stephano/Olaf/Jason Bourne/whatever he's calling himself, however.)

"Random, why are you so worried about offending people?" Violet asked. "Can't you put something outrageous in this story for once?"

That's just how I operate, okay? Deal with it. Plus, isn't Stephano cutting off his leg outrageous enough?

"No," Violet said.

Well then, that's your problem, not mine. NEXT!

Suddenly, Klaus got an evil grin on his face. "I think the name Stephano is a lot better than, say, _Olaf_," he said. Sunny giggled. Violet decided to leave me alone and giggle as well.

"What?!" Stephano snarled. Then he regained his composure, remembering that he was supposed to be pretending. "I mean, uh, yes. I agree. Olaf is a silly name." He spoke through gritted teeth and barely managed to hide his irritation.

The rest of dinner was boring. It was so boring that I don't want to discuss it. Well, actually, it wasn't as dreadfully boring as I'm making it out to be, but I'm lazy and don't feel like writing about it. I want to get to the good stuff where the plot thickens and suchlike. So everyone finished eating and went to bed. Except for Stephano, that is. He stood in the hallway, lurking about and making sure none of the Baudelaires got any ideas.

In the middle of the night, Klaus came out of his bedroom. Stephano appeared in front of him, arms crossed.

"Do you have a hall pass?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah," Klaus said, pulling two things out of his pocket. He turned on a flashlight and aimed it at a scrap of paper that had the words "HALL PASS" hastily scribbled on it.

Stephano was at a loss for words.

"I need to go to the bathroom," Klaus explained.

"Yeah, go ahead," Stephano mumbled, and Klaus scurried off.

The next morning, Stephano was already in the Reptile Room while all three Baudelaires were still sleeping. They had been so scared about Stephano roaming the halls that they hadn't had time to sleep, so since he was currently nowhere near them, they could sleep better.

Until Uncle Monty started banging on a pot with a wooden spoon, that is. "Hey! Get up, people! We have stuff to do!" he yelled. Violet and Klaus trudged out of their rooms, clearly still half-asleep. Violet went into Sunny's room and carried out her sleeping sister, who wasn't at all bothered by the noise.

"You know," Uncle Monty said, "I'm starting to think there's something wrong with you guys. You used to be fast, but now you're slow, like the Hungarian Sloth Snake!"

"Nooooooooooooo oooooooooonnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee iiiiiiiiiiissssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss slllllloooowwww aaaaaaaaaassssssssss mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee," the Hungarian Sloth Snake groaned, slithering very slowly across the carpet to prove his point.

"Sorry, Uncle Monty," Violet said. "Stephano just scares us."

Uncle Monty looked around fearfully, as though spies were lurking around the house listening in on them. "I know what you mean," he said. "That guy seems suspicious."

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny became fully awake as soon as they heard those words. "Holy crap! Are you serious? Do you know what we know, but what Stephano doesn't want you to know?" all three of them asked in unison.

"I know," Uncle Monty assured them. He looked around again. "Let's go outside. Stephano might have planted a camera in the lamp or something."

The Baudelaires followed their not-uncle outside and onto the front yard, eager for Uncle Monty to tell them that he knew about Stephano's true identity. The suspense was just KILLING them. KILLING THEM, I SAY! If Olaf didn't kill them, the suspense just might!

"Murba," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Okay, now you're just overdoing the whole suspense thing."

Sorry.

Uncle Monty waited until I was done before he spoke. "Okay, guys. Now, you know that I am an extremely well-known, well-liked, and incredibly all-around awesome herpetologist, right?" he said.

"Yeah, so?" Violet said.

"Well, there is a price to be paid for being extremely well-known, well-liked, and incredibly all-around awesome," Uncle Monty went on. "People get jealous. A few people have stolen my specimens and even threatened to kill me. I think this situation is similar. And you know why?"

The Baudelaires shook their heads.

"Last night and this morning, while we were in the Reptile Room, Stephano asked _way _too many questions," Uncle Monty said. "Like, he wanted to know why David was playing with a transmitter, and why the Lovely Leaping Lizard's scales were pink, and why the Mamba du Mal spoke French, and why the Gangster Gecko was beatboxing. Questions that all herpetologists should know the answers to! So I came to the conclusion that Stephano wasn't a herpetologist at all."

"Exactly! He's Count Olaf!" Klaus said.

Uncle Monty stared at him quizzically. "Kid, that steak in a pot must've messed up your head. It's impossible for Stephano to be Count Olaf! He's a spy who wants to take all of my specimens to the zoo!"

There was a noise like a disc skipping in the background.

Violet's mouth fell open.

Klaus's mouth fell open.

Sunny's mouth fell open.

"You've," Violet began.

"Got," Klaus continued.

"To be," Sunny went on.

"_Kidding_," all three of them said.

Uncle Monty shook his head. "Nope. I'm serious. I mean, who else would he be?" Then his face grew serious, and he pulled a ticket out of his pocket. "I got the tickets for Peru, by the way. But _someone _won't be going!" He tore the ticket into several tiny pieces and let those pieces fall to the ground. He stomped on them like an angry little kid. "Ha! Take that, Mr. Spy-For-The-Zoo! That'll teach you to mess with Dr. Montgomery—_ow!_"

At that moment, a blunt object had fallen from a great height and bashed Uncle Monty in the head. He fell on the ground and curled into a little ball, whimpering in pain. Klaus picked up the blunt object and inspected it.

"Hey, it's a lamp!" he said. "And Uncle Monty was right! It _does _have a camera in it!" He waved at the camera with a goofy smile on his face. Violet took the lamp and bashed her brother over the head with it.

"Ouch," Klaus said lamely. He was used to getting hit by now.

"Come on, let's put this back," Violet said.

"What about Uncle Monty?" Klaus asked.

Violet looked at Uncle Monty, who was still lying down and moaning in agony. She shrugged. "Eh, we'll just leave him here," she said. "Sunny, look after him."

"Aye, aye!" Sunny said.

Violet and Klaus headed back into the house (hey, that rhymed!) when a foreboding shadow appeared behind them, stalking them all the way upstairs.

"Olaf, cut it out. We know it's you, and we know you threw that lamp at Uncle Monty," Klaus said.

"And you suck at the whole 'foreboding presence' thing," Violet added.

Stephano pouted. "You orphans ruin my life."

"Well, now you can't do anything to us, because you're not going to Peru," Klaus bragged.

"Dude, this is _me _you're talking about," Stephano said. "Trust me, I'll find a loophole."

Violet scowled at him and went down the hall to put the lamp away. Klaus stepped closer to Stephano and whispered, "Hey, where'd you get that little camera that you put in the lamp?"

"I got it off of eBay. They're, like, impossible to get."

"That figures."

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

_**Steak in a pot **_– _Believe it or not, it's a real food. And it's as good as I make it out to be, too._

_**Vulgarities **_– _A word I use, which refers to the groin area._


	6. It's In The Script

Author's Note: _Just so you guys know, steak in a pot isn't made with actual steak. It's basically pieces of beef stew meat served over rice. Just sayin'._

* * *

**Chapter 6: It****'s In The Script**

After Uncle Monty snapped out of his little fit, he got up and walked into the house as though nothing strange had happened. Sunny followed him in. The herpetologist whistled, and Violet, Klaus, and Stephano bolted down the stairs into the living room.

"Well!" he began grandly. "I say it's about time we head to the movies, don't you?"

"Sure," Stephano said. He gave the children another eerie grin, and Violet kicked him in the shins. Uncle Monty didn't notice, though.

"Does anyone have a movie in mind?" Uncle Monty asked.

Psst…go see _The Informant!_. And take me with you.

"No matter what movie we see, you'll be there," Klaus said. "You're following us, remember?"

Yeah, I know. But still, go see it!

"_Pandorum_," Sunny said.

"I think _Fame _looks awesome," Violet said.

"I was kind of thinking about going to see _Surrogates_," Klaus admitted.

My cousin said that movie didn't make any sense. He didn't like it. Just sayin'.

"I want to go see _G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra_," Uncle Monty said.

"That movie isn't actually about snakes, you know," Klaus said.

Uncle Monty blinked for a little while, then hung his head in embarrassment.

"Well, _I _want to see _The Final Destination_," Stephano said.

"Ribonig!" Sunny protested.

"Yeah, Sunny's right," Klaus said. "I heard that movie was really lame and boring."

"Says you," Stephano muttered.

At that moment, an argument broke out and there was a lot of shouting. You could barely hear what everybody was saying, because everyone's voices were mingling together. The people who were shouting probably couldn't understand anything, either. The argument lasted for about two hours (including an intermission by the briefcase-wielding thug from Chapter 5, who was tap-dancing) until Uncle Monty decided to take matters into his own hands.

"Now, everyone, calm down," he said soothingly. "I'm sure we can work this out."

The Baudelaires and Stephano ignored him and kept arguing. The fight lasted for another twenty minutes, and all of a sudden, Stephano brandished his knife. Uncle Monty freaked out.

"ALL RIGHT, YOU SAVAGES, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" he screamed. "EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING, AND FOR THE LOVE OF LANGLEY, PUT AWAY THAT KNIFE!"

The four other people stopped shouting and looked over at Uncle Monty in shock. Stephano dropped his knife. Everyone's mouths fell open. Uncle Monty smiled pleasantly.

"Thank you," he said, and went outside to his jeep.

Stephano gave an embarrassed cough and put the knife in his pocket. He and the Baudelaires followed Uncle Monty outside, and the Baudelaires suddenly remembered that Stephano was Count Olaf. They rushed to the car to tell their not-uncle about the impostor, but Stephano was too quick. He glared at them, and they got in the backseat reluctantly, pouting and worrying (but mostly pouting) the entire time. As soon as they got to the multiplex, the Baudelaires got into another big fight with Stephano, this time over what treats they were getting.

"I want a cherry Icee," Violet said.

"I want a blue raspberry Icee," Klaus said. Ooh, those are my favorite.

"Mijint," Sunny said, which clearly meant something like, "I want Junior Mints."

"Well, _I _would like a _huge _bucket of popcorn," Stephano said. Uncle Monty, having not heard the children, got a big bucket of popcorn. Stephano took the popcorn and ran into the nearest theater without being noticed. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny saw their big chance to expose him.

"Uncle Monty, we need to tell you something," Violet said urgently.

"Yeah," Klaus said. "I know you think Stephano is a spy for the zoo, but he's really—"

Stephano's head suddenly peeked out from the theater and stared at Klaus. He gulped and stopped talking.

"What were you saying, kids?" Uncle Monty asked absently.

"Nothing," Violet sighed, and she and her siblings followed the two men into the theater.

Since nobody had been able to agree on a movie, I made everyone go see _The Informant!_. It was 108 minutes of pure cinematic awesomeness, but the Baudelaires weren't in the mood to enjoy it. Throughout the movie, they were thinking about what Stephano's Plot O' Doom could possibly be. At the beginning, when Mark Whitacre was talking to his son Alexander in the car, Violet was thinking about how, if Stephano had snuck into the theater without anyone noticing, he could just as easily sneak his way into Peru, and that scared her. When Whitacre first spoke to Agent Brian Shepherd about ADM's price-fixing scheme, Klaus found himself wondering exactly what Stephano meant when he talked about loopholes. And when Whitacre revealed that he'd been defrauding money from his own company, Sunny was imagining the various kinds of heinous things Stephano could do with that giant knife of his.

When the movie was over, Uncle Monty and Stephano walked out of the theater arguing about how much money Whitacre really defrauded, but the children were too worried to join in the discussion. Uncle Monty noticed this and tried to get them to talk by asking about their favorite parts, which of Marvin Hamlisch's songs they liked best, and which of Whitacre's internal ramblings was the funniest, but the children still refused to talk. As soon as they reached Uncle Monty's house, the Baudelaires jumped out of the car (while it was still moving, mind you) and hurried inside, ready for bed. The Incredibly Deadly Viper followed them to Violet's room, jumping from stair to stair with his tail.

"Wait! Sunny! Where are you going? Aren't you going to say goodnight to me?" he called.

Violet hissed like a cat and slammed her door in his face. The Viper sighed and slithered away in defeat.

"Who was that?" Klaus asked fearfully.

"Oh, just the perverted reptile that stalks Sunny," Violet said. "He's gone now."

Klaus breathed a sigh of relief and fell backwards onto Violet's bed—or he tried to, anyway. He hit the floor instead, but he didn't care.

"Ropina," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Violet, can Klaus and I stay in your room tonight? We could barely get any sleep last night."

"I even had a nightmare about Stephano chopping off my toes and putting them in a stew," Klaus added.

"Gee, I really wanted to know that," Violet said sarcastically. Her face was turning a puke-ish green color just thinking about it. "Can we just try to think of what the guy's plan might be?"

"I still think he's trying to eat our livers," Klaus said.

Violet shot him a glare. "Does anyone not named Klaus have a suggestion?" she asked. "Preferably a more reasonable one?"

"Prookull," Sunny suggested. She meant something along the lines of, "Personally, I think Stephano's trying to kill Uncle Monty so he can assume his identity, take us to Peru, and kill us there. No one would ever find out."

"Olaf's not smart enough to think of something like that," Violet reminded her. "Still, I like your theory better than _his_." She nodded her head toward Klaus, who looked incredibly offended.

"Okay, fine, so maybe my theory's wrong," he snapped. "How about this? Maybe he just plans to poison everyone with snake venom. Remember how Uncle Monty told us about that Mamba du Mal snake, the one that's really super-duper dangerous?"

"It wouldn't make sense for him to come all this way just to poison us," Violet said.

"Vithoe?" Sunny asked, which meant something like, "Do you have a theory, Violet?"

Violet flushed red with embarrassment. "Actually, no, I don't."

"Should we at least _try _to talk to Mr. Poe about it?" Klaus asked.

"Oh, _heck _no!" Violet exclaimed. "We already went through this, remember? If Mr. Poe comes over to this house and meets the Gangster Gecko…"

"Yeah, yeah, all heck breaks loose," Klaus interrupted. "I don't know about you, but I'm done with theories for the night. I'm going to bed." He stole one of the blankets off Violet's bed and fell asleep on the floor. Violet narrowed her eyes and kicked him roughly. He felt a lot of pain, but he didn't show it.

Sunny gave a little yawn. "Ogdo," she said, which meant something like, "I'm with Klaus. Good night, Violet." She fell face-first onto the floor. Violet couldn't help but smile, giggle, and put her sister onto the bed next to her. She then climbed into bed herself, and soon fell asleep.

Meanwhile, downstairs, someone was protesting. "No!" cried a voice. "Why does this have to happen to me? Why right now? Can't you wait until, like, the tenth or eleventh chapter to kill me?"

"Sorry, but it has to be now," said another voice.

"But _why?_" the first voice whined.

'Cause it's in the script.

"What script?"

Um…did I say _script_? I meant _book_! The original book has you dying.

"What book?"

Oh, never mind.

"Can I _please _just kill him now?" the second voice asked.

_Fine_. Jeez, you're so impatient, Ste—

"DON'T SAY MY NAME!" the second voice yelled.

But everyone knows you did it, anyway.

"I don't care! Just don't say it!"

Okay, jeez, whatever. Go ahead with the killing, I guess. The story must progress.

"But—" the first voice started to protest, but they were cut off by some unidentified sounds and a groan. The reptiles watched the murder in shock (even though the lights were all turned off), and bowed their heads low while the second voice laughed evilly.

The next morning, the Baudelaires awoke from their slumber, stretching and yawning. It was their first great sleep in a long time. They ran downstairs without getting dressed and immediately headed for the Reptile Room, calling Uncle Monty's name. When he didn't answer, they looked at the reptiles, who were all gloomy and sad-faced.

"What's wrong, you guys?" Klaus asked.

David stared glumly at his transmitter. "Ask Monty," he mumbled in a depressed-sounding voice. The Baudelaires turned and saw that Uncle Monty was hunched over in a chair in one corner of the room. Sunny crawled over to him and touched his hand, but when she got a better look at him, she gasped.

"Dinaga!" she exclaimed, which meant something along the lines of, "Guys, you won't believe this! Uncle Monty's dead!"

Violet and Klaus exchanged a glance, then let out a scream so horrible and gut-wrenching that it had to be printed in bold font.

**"OH. MY. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**


	7. It Got Worse

**Chapter 7: It Got Worse**

If you thought _that_ reaction was terrible, then you'd be surprised at what happened afterwards. It got worse.

Violet's face became a ghastly pale color and her mouth was open in shock. She made surprised noises in the back of her throat, unable to speak an intelligible sentence. Klaus ran around the room in circles while screaming and waving his arms wildly in the air. Sunny's eyes rolled way back into her head and she passed out. Several reptiles were lying in the puddle of depression in the corner, mourning the loss of their beloved caretaker.

And then it got worse. Again.

Stephano popped out from the shadows, calmly sipping coffee and eating a brownie. "Good morning, kids," he said. "Why are you so upset? We're going on vacation today!"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny snapped out of their panicked states and glared at Stephano.

"You," Violet spat. "_You _killed our guardian."

"So what if I did?" Stephano shot back. Then he remembered that he was supposed to be pretending. "Er, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh yes you do, you fake!" the Erudite Toad shouted from his cage. "I saw you murder poor Monty with my own eyes."

Stephano snorted. "Who would believe a talking toad?" He turned around the chair where Uncle Monty's corpse sat so that it was now facing the children. They didn't take it very well.

"EW!" Violet screamed.

"WE DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM LIKE THAT!" Klaus screamed.

"KIPIK!" Sunny screamed.

"LOOK AT IT!" Stephano screamed in a high-pitched voice. "Look at those nasty bite marks! Look at how pale he is! And look at that huge _zit _on his forehead! That's disgusting!"

"What are you trying to tell us?" Klaus asked. He glanced at Uncle Monty's forehead and made a face. "Ew. That zit _is _big."

"Clearly, this man died from a snakebite," Stephano said.

"Well then, what does his big, gross zit have to do with anything?" Klaus wondered.

Stephano rolled his eyes. "The point is—"

Violet covered her ears. "I don't care what you say! You killed him, you liar!" Stephano started screaming at her in a rage, and she hummed loudly to drown him out.

While a mini-commotion erupted in the Reptile Room, Klaus plugged his ears and Sunny crawled over to the Incredibly Deadly Viper, who was in the puddle of depression. "Iggra?" she asked, which meant something along the lines of, "How did Uncle Monty die?"

The Viper leaned forward and whispered confidentially. "That Stephano guy came into the room holding a—"

"SHUT UP!" Stephano yelled. The Viper, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all froze in place. Stephano smiled and kept talking. "Thank you. Now, kids, get in the jeep. Violet, carry my suitcase." He pulled his knife out of his pocket.

Violet just glared at him and didn't move. "Random, you know what to do."

Huh? What am I supposed to be doing?

"Make up a happy ending for us. A _real _one."

What?

"You heard me!"

Oh, fine. Whatever.

There was a loud creaking sound and the ground under Stephano suddenly opened up to reveal a huge gaping crater. Stephano fell into it, screaming, and was devoured by mutated alligators. Suddenly, Uncle Monty jumped up from his chair.

"Kids, where's Stephano?" he asked.

"Some alligators ate him," Klaus said.

Uncle Monty shrugged. "Oh well. I guess it was his time to go. And it's our time to go, too—we're headed for Peru!" He skipped out of the room happily.

"YAY!" the Baudelaires cheered, and followed him out of the house. The four people got into the jeep and drove off into the distance, ignoring the horrible screams of a horrible man who was now merely a memory.

Poetic, huh? Too bad it's not the real ending.

"WHAT?" Violet shrieked.

Violet, you really need to stop making me write happy endings. It's not funny anymore, and you're gonna have to face the facts: it's not gonna happen. Especially not when I'm only on the second book. Okay?

"Okay," Violet said sullenly.

"What are you all waiting for?" asked Stephano (who, unfortunately, was not being eaten by mutant alligators at this moment). "Get in the frickin' jeep, people! And remember what I said about the suitcase, Violet!"

Violet groaned and picked up the suitcase. She and her siblings followed the despicable impostor outside to Uncle Monty's jeep, and she put the suitcase in the trunk. Then she was struck with a brilliant idea, and whispered in Klaus's ear before he could sit down in the back of the jeep.

"Hey, Stephano!" Klaus called. "I really, _really _have to go to the bathroom!" He started doing a frantic little dance, like a young child might do if they desperately had to pee.

Stephano gave Violet a suspicious glance. "Is he for real?" he asked.

"Oh, you'd better believe it," Violet said with a straight face, although she was really trying not to laugh at the dance Klaus was doing. "If there's one thing my brother is serious about, it's the bathroom."

Stephano sighed. "Fine, go ahead."

Klaus dashed into Uncle Monty's house and tried to stall for as long as he could. He made himself a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and quickly gobbled it down. He watched an extremely boring TV show that was only half an hour long. He ran up and down the stairs screaming like a maniac for twenty minutes straight. He drank two bottles of Sprite, then realized that he really _did _have to use the bathroom. He quickly ran upstairs, did his business, then went outside and climbed into the back of the jeep with his sisters.

"I'm good," he said.

Stephano glared at him and got into the driver's seat. "Does anyone _else _have something to take care of?" he asked impatiently.

"Oh, I totally forgot about something!" Violet said. She nudged Sunny, who nodded.

"Icri," the youngest Baudelaire said, which meant something along the lines of, "I wanted to say goodbye to all the reptiles." Violet translated this for Stephano, who reluctantly let Sunny crawl back into the house.

"Sunny!" the Incredibly Deadly Viper exclaimed as soon as he saw her. "How are you doing? That Stephano guy didn't hurt you or anything, did he?"

Sunny shook her head. "Lisenn," she said, which meant something like, "I might never see any of you guys again, so I just wanted to say goodbye to you all. My siblings say goodbye, too. See ya." And with that, she crawled out of the Reptile Room.

"Bye, Sunny!" all of the reptiles called after her.

"_Au revior_, Mademoiselle Baudelaire!" called the Mamba du Mal.

"Goooooooooooooooooooooooooodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee," said the Hungarian Sloth Snake.

When Sunny got to the jeep, she knocked on one of the doors. Violet opened the door and pulled her little sister inside. Stephano stared at everyone.

"Anything else?" he asked through clenched teeth.

Violet suddenly looked as though she had just remembered something else. "Oh, yeah, there's something else," she said. "I want to check and see if it's, uh…you know, that time of the month!" She exited the jeep and scurried into the house. Klaus and Sunny snickered, while Stephano looked utterly clueless.

Violet did the same thing as Klaus. She stalled by making herself a big bowl of ice cream and watching TV, taking a long shower, and going into the Reptile Room to talk to the reptiles. She listened to the Lovely Leaping Lizard babble on about how she wanted to paint her scales yellow, then picked a giant book off the shelf and read about half of it. She left the Reptile Room and searched the house for a can of Lysol, then sprayed the stuff all over the house as slowly as possible. She went outside and got back into the jeep.

"False alarm," she said.

Stephano gave a sigh of relief. "Finally," he muttered, putting the key in the ignition.

"Wait!" Klaus said. "I just remembered a story I want to tell."

Stephano groaned and pulled the key out. Violet and Sunny stared intently at their brother.

Klaus ended up not telling an actual story. He talked endlessly about the water cycle for about three hours, and after that, Stephano couldn't take it anymore. He put the key back in the ignition and started the car up, but he barely made it away from the neighborhood until he smashed into a small purple car.

A small, _familiar _purple car.

"Holy crap!" Klaus screamed.

"For once, I agree!" Stephano said. The front of Uncle Monty's jeep had pleated itself together, and a hubcap was missing. The doors were all smushed and the glass on all the windows had cracked and fallen off. In short, the jeep was a wreck, but oddly enough, the purple car looked good as new and didn't appear to have suffered any lasting damage.

"There's only one car I know that can survive a crash like that," Violet said.

"Poe!" Sunny exclaimed.

Sure enough, Mr. Poe came out of the purple Mini and started shaking his fist at Stephano, who was clutching his head and screaming in a mixture of rage, shock, and frustration. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny ignored him and climbed out of the jeep, running towards Mr. Poe and hugging him for inadvertently rescuing them. The sound of rap music assaulted their ears, but at this moment, they couldn't bring themselves to care.

"Mr. Poe, I never thought I would say this, but we're so glad to see you!" Violet squealed.

"Yeah! Count Olaf was just about to get away with another plan!" Klaus said.

"Pyham!" Sunny shrieked.

"How's it goin', my home slices?" Mr. Poe greeted, happy and a little surprised by the children's joy. "Hey, how come Uncle Monty's bein' a hater? Why'd he crash into me like that?"

"It wasn't Uncle Monty," Klaus said. "Uncle Monty's dead."

Mr. Poe looked horrified, then took off his hat and glanced downward. "Jeez, that must bite. But if he bit the dust, who was drivin' ya?"

As if on cue, Stephano clumsily stepped out of the totaled jeep.

"That guy," Violet said darkly, pointing at him. "Count Olaf."

Mr. Poe looked over at Stephano, then looked back at the children quizzically. "You gotta be kiddin' me," he said. "Count Olaf's got a unibrow, and he ain't got a beard. This guy got no eyebrows, and he got a beard! You kids must be seein' stuff."

Stephano walked over to the Baudelaires and Mr. Poe, feigning a smile. "Hello," he said. "I'm Stephano, the assistant of Dr. Montgomery. But, as I overheard the kids telling you, he recently kicked the bucket. We were just going into town to get a doctor."

"LIAR!" Violet yelled. "He was going to take us to Peru so he could kill us!"

"Look at how distressed they are," Stephano said, patting Violet on the head a little too roughly. "They were going on vacation to Peru today. Clearly, they're delusional."

"Shut up, Count Olaf," Klaus growled.

"See what I mean?" Stephano asked. "They think I'm some guy named Count Olaf."

"Sorry about that, homie," Mr. Poe said. "Count Olaf's a hater who's tryin' to steal their gold mine."

Suddenly, Klaus got an idea. "Wait! I have an idea!" he said. (Duh, everyone knew that already, Klaus!) "I know how to prove that Stephano is Count Olaf. He has a tattoo of an eye on his—"

Stephano lifted up the pant legs on both of his ankles, neither of which were tattooed. Instead, one of his ankles was completely green.

"—ankle," Klaus finished lamely. He hung his head in shame.

"He probably covered it up with makeup or something," Violet said, staring at the green stuff on Stephano's left ankle.

"Whether or not I'm wearing makeup is unimportant," Stephano said. "The point is, we need to get a doctor to look at Dr. Montgomery. Mr. Poe, can I use your car?"

As soon as he said this, the Mini exploded and car parts flew everywhere.

"AAARRRRRGH!"


	8. That's Not Gonna Fly

**Chapter 8: That****'s Not Gonna Fly**

For a few moments, Mr. Poe stared at Stephano in shock, blinking rapidly. His mouth was hanging open, and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. Then he picked up a big stick and whacked Stephano across the face.

"Hey! What did I do?" Stephano said in a whiny voice, covering up the stick imprint on his face with his hand.

"You made my car blow up, man!" Mr. Poe snapped. "What's your prob? You got _issues _with me, man? You wanna go, man? You wanna go?" He waved his stick around in a threatening manner.

"Woo-hoo! Go, Poe, go!" cheered the Baudelaires.

"Shut up!" Stephano hissed.

This made Mr. Poe even madder, if such a thing was possible. "Man, what's wrong with you? First you blow up my car, then you start hatin' on my homies! That's not gonna fly!" He smacked Stephano with the stick again, and the Baudelaires burst into raucous laughter.

"Look, can you stop hitting me?" Stephano asked. "I didn't know your car was going to explode! Let's just go back to Uncle Monty's house and get a doctor, okay?"

Mr. Poe's mood seemed to mysteriously get better, and he dropped the stick. "Works for me," he said. "Lead the way, dawgs!"

So the Baudelaires and Stephano led Mr. Poe back to Uncle Monty's house. Luckily, it wasn't very far from where they were now, but it took a while to get there because they took several wrong turns along the way. Mr. Poe was trying to make up a rap about Uncle Monty, but he didn't know what Uncle Monty's name rhymed with, so he gave up. Then Klaus had to go and ruin everything.

"I'm glad he doesn't know that 'jaunty' rhymes with 'Monty,'" Klaus whispered to Violet.

Mr. Poe heard him. "Hey, thanks for the help, little man!" he said, and started rapping again. "There was a guy named Uncle Monty, and I heard he was real jaunty…"

Violet glared at Klaus and slapped him upside the head.

"There was a guy named Uncle Monty…and I heard he was real jaunty…" Mr. Poe sang again, this time a little more quietly. He tried to think of more words, but he realized that he couldn't think of another word that rhymed with Uncle Monty's name, so he gave up again. He, the Baudelaires, and Stephano enjoyed a nice, silent walk back to the house, and Stephano waved his knife crazily in the air to prevent the children from exposing him. The Baudelaires could do nothing but glare and mutter insulting things about him. So they did.

When they got back to the house, they noticed that a car was parked in the driveway. A skinny man with abnormally large hands nodded at them. "Hi. I'm Dr. Dernlaf," he said. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think some kind of accident may have happened here."

"Whoa! How'd ya get here so quick?" Mr. Poe asked. "We didn't even _call _ya!"

Dr. Dernlaf did shifty eyes. "I have ESPN," he said in a confidential whisper.

"Don't you mean ESP?" Klaus asked.

"That too," Dr. Dernlaf said quickly. "Also, I think that doctors should be quick in an emergency. And stuff. So where's the dead guy?"

Klaus elbowed Violet. "I don't think that doctor's acting very professional."

"_Sí, señor_," Sunny said.

_Oui, monsieur._

"STOP SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES!" Violet screamed, obviously annoyed.

Stephano, who had ducked into the house while nobody was looking because he's too slippery for his own good, came back out with a cup of coffee in hand. "Who wants coffee?" he asked.

"ME!" Mr. Poe, Dr. Dernlaf, and Sunny screamed. They ran into the house, trampling Stephano as they did. Violet and Klaus pushed past the startled "assistant" and ran after the three people.

"Wait, Sunny! You're too young to be drinking coffee!" Klaus yelled.

"Forget Sunny! It's Mr. Poe we should be worried about!" Violet said to him.

When they got to the kitchen, Sunny had just guzzled down the last of the coffee and let out a huge belch. Mr. Poe and Dr. Dernlaf stared at her for a moment, then Mr. Poe walked away dejectedly and Dr. Dernlaf glared at her in a way that was oddly familiar. Stephano joined them, smoothing out his clothes and looking dour.

"Well, now that all the coffee's gone, how about we examine the dead guy?" he said.

"Sure," Dr. Dernlaf said, still glaring at Sunny. Violet and Klaus saw something slightly suspicious about this, but just guessed that he was mad about the coffee.

OR WAS HE?

"Random, we're not in the mood," Violet snapped.

Fine, killjoy. Have it _your_ way.

"The dead guy's in the Reptile Room," Stephano said to Dr. Dernlaf.

"STOP CALLING HIM THE DEAD GUY!" Klaus yelled. "HE HAS A NAME!"

While everyone else was distracted, Sunny's eyes grew wide and her pupils became dilated. Her small body began to shake, and she bounced up and down on the table she was sitting on. Suddenly, there was a noise like the kind a spring might make, and Sunny started bouncing from wall to wall, giving little exclamations of joy. She leaped off the table and headed down the hallway, towards the Reptile Room.

"Follow that baby!" Klaus said, and he and Stephano raced off after the aforementioned baby.

Meanwhile, Dr. Dernlaf was searching through a cupboard and took out a can of corn. Violet looked at him with a mixture of incredulity and disgust on her face.

"HEY!" she said. "My relative just died, and you're eating his food? How rude can you get?"

"I just wanted some corn," Dr. Dernlaf replied meekly.

Corn goes in one end and profit comes out the other.

Dr. Dernlaf stared in my direction quizzically. Violet seethed.

"Random Little Writer, I am _not _putting up with obscure outside references at a time like this," she snarled, then turned back to Dr. Dernlaf. "Look, I don't care if you're a doctor or not, you will stop eating my dead uncle's food or I'll beat you senseless with…with…" She paused, glancing at me expectantly.

Look in your pocket, Violet.

The eldest Baudelaire did as she was told and pulled out a crowbar. She waved it around menacingly. "I'll beat you senseless with _THIS CROWBAR!_" she yelled at the doctor. "Understood?"

Dr. Dernlaf just stared at her, uncomprehending. Violet rolled her eyes and grabbed his arm, dragging him to the Reptile Room. She suddenly realized that Mr. Poe had disappeared, but right now, that didn't matter.

In the Reptile Room, Klaus and Stephano were having a fierce argument that involved slapping each other in the face every other sentence, and Mr. Poe was rocking back and forth in a corner. Something small and puke-colored caught Violet's eye. The Gangster Gecko was sitting next to Mr. Poe.

"Oh, _no_," she groaned. "Mr. Poe, step away from the gecko!"

"What you talkin' about, homegirl? He ain't doin' nothin' wrong," Mr. Poe said.

"Hey, man, your lingo's just like mine!" the Gangster Gecko said happily. "You like rap music?"

"Like it? I go nuts for it!" Mr. Poe said, smiling at the gecko.

Violet facepalmed and pointed at the chair that was occupied by Uncle Monty's body. "Uncle Monty's over there."

Dr. Dernlaf nodded and walked over to examine the corpse.

"Hey!" Klaus yelled suddenly, interrupting his fight with Stephano. "Where did Sunny go?"

See? Nobody pays attention to the baby! Shame on you!

"You weren't paying attention, either!"

I don't count.

Klaus gritted his teeth.

As if on cue, Sunny crawled into the room slowly, looking exhausted. "Coufa," she said weakly, which meant something along the lines of, "I don't think I should've had all that coffee."

The Incredibly Deadly Viper looked as though he wanted to say words of comfort, but Violet kicked his cage as a warning.

David was muttering into his transmitter. "On the count of three, we attack the guy with a beard and no eyebrows. One…two…"

"We don't even know how to get out of our cages!" the other reptiles yelled.

David blinked, then shrank back against the bars of his cage.

"Oh, I beg to differ," Dr. Dernlaf said suddenly. He walked away from Uncle Monty's body with an expression of disgust on his face.

"Okay, he's definitely being unprofessional," Klaus whispered to Violet, who just nodded.

Dr. Dernlaf continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "This man definitely died of snakebite," he said, jerking his thumb in Uncle Monty's direction. "He was poisoned by the Mamba…Mamba du…whatever." He shrugged.

"Mamba du Mal?" Sunny asked.

"Yeah, that guy," Dr. Dernlaf said.

"_Moi?!_" the Mamba du Mal shrieked, outraged. He started swearing in French. It was a good thing that nobody knew what he was saying, otherwise they would've been extremely shocked. Not to mention I would be picking up some new French words so I could yell them at people. But that's another story!

"You see, the Mamba du Thingy unlocked its cage, bit Monty, and locked itself back in," explained Dr. Dernlaf, who looked very proud of himself.

"That's stupid!" Violet said. "The reptiles just said that they don't know how to get out of their cages."

"Well, maybe they're lying," Dr. Dernlaf retorted. "You can't trust a talking reptile, you know."

Someone snapped their fingers, and all heads turned to Mr. Poe. "I got an idea!" he said. "How 'bout we have a funeral for Uncle Monty? Lookin' at that carcass is givin' me the creeps."

Stephano, who was upset that he hadn't been mentioned in a while, was even more upset because his plot to whisk the Baudelaires away to Peru was being put on hold even further. Still, he wanted to keep his cover, so he nodded. "Yes. That would be most…um, appropriate, I think."

Dr. Dernlaf pulled Uncle Monty's body off the chair and out of the Reptile Room by his feet. The Baudelaires gave screams of rage and ran after him, yelling about how insensitive the doctor was being. Stephano followed after them, and he was soon followed by Mr. Poe and the Gangster Gecko, the latter of whom had crawled into Mr. Poe's pocket. It was quickly decided that Uncle Monty would be buried in the backyard, so Stephano mysteriously brought out a shovel and dug the grave. The body was dumped inside, and Stephano heaped dirt on top of it until it was completely covered. Stephano, the Baudelaires, Mr. Poe, and Dr. Dernlaf stood in a circle around the grave.

"Goodbye, Uncle Monty," Violet said sadly.

"We liked you better than Olaf," Klaus said.

"Lomo," Sunny said.

There was an awkward silence.

Stephano coughed. "So…who's gonna do the eulogy?"

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

**_"Corn goes in one end and profit comes out the other" _**– _A line spoken by Mark Whitacre in the movie _The Informant!.


	9. It's Dangerous Out Here

**Chapter 9: It****'s Dangerous Out Here**

It turned out that nobody wanted to say the eulogy. Well, okay, I lied. The Gangster Gecko wanted to say the eulogy, so he crawled out of Mr. Poe's pocket and assumed a praying position on top of Uncle Monty's grave. Most of what he said was about how nice Uncle Monty was, and how he always fed the reptiles, and how he didn't get annoyed when they had a lot to say, and how he was brave enough to handle the presence of a scary disembodied voice, and how he was good about cleaning the poop out of the cages, and—

"That's _enough_," Stephano said curtly. He was suddenly crushed by a giant ear of corn. (That's right. CORN!)

"Why's that guy gotta be a hater?" the Gangster Gecko asked.

"Why does Random keep mentioning corn?" Klaus asked.

"Whikka?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "Why does my diaper smell so weird all of a sudden?"

"Who cares?" Violet said. "I'm not the one being crushed by giant vegetables."

The ear of corn rolled over to one side and Stephano crawled out from under it, looking unhurt. "Can we just go inside the house?" he said irritably. "It's dangerous out here."

I was about to tell him that it was plenty dangerous inside the house as well, but I thought back to when I'd created the hole and made him get eaten by alligators. Thanks to that incident, he probably didn't need to be reminded. Or else he just didn't remember. Whatever.

So the Gangster Gecko crawled back into Mr. Poe's pocket and everybody went back inside the house. The adults went to the kitchen to discuss some boring thing like what car the Baudelaires would have to ride in, while the children headed for the Reptile Room.

"Wait, why are we going to the Reptile Room?" Klaus asked.

"Because we have stuff to do," Violet said.

"What _kind _of stuff?" Klaus asked.

"Shut up, idiot," Violet said.

"Burn!" Sunny giggled, pointing at her brother. He just rolled his eyes.

Violet pointed at Uncle Monty's bookshelves. "There's information in those books," she began.

"No duh," Klaus said.

"SHUT UP!" Violet roared. "Those books have information about reptiles."

"No duh," Klaus said.

Violet slapped him. "The venom of the Mamba du Mal was found in Uncle Monty's veins. If those books have information about reptiles, they're also going to contain information about the Mamba du Mal."

"No—" Klaus began, but let out a loud scream when Sunny bit his ankle. He hopped around the room on his good foot and held his injured one, shrieking in pain and hitting tables.

"Thanks," Violet said.

"Mookum," Sunny said, which meant something like, "No problem."

"Anyway," Violet continued, raising her voice so she could be heard over the screaming Klaus, "I want you to read up on the Mamba du Mal, Klaus!"

He stopped hopping and stared at her quizzically. "Huh?"

"You heard me. Start researching," Violet repeated.

"Violet, we're surrounded by talking snakes!" Klaus said. "Can't we just ask them what the Mamba du Mal's killing methods are?"

"If you must know, we don't like to share our…elimination methods with one another," the Erudite Toad spoke up. "We all worry about others stealing our ideas. And before you ask, no one in here speaks a word of French. With the exception of Mal, of course."

"But you're supposed to be smart!" Klaus whined.

"So are you," the Erudite Toad said.

Ooh, you just got dissed by a toad. Take that.

"Random, you're taking French class. Can't you help us?" Klaus asked.

Hey, I don't know _that _much French.

"Oh, come ON!" Klaus yelled, kicking a nearby chair. Unfortunately, he had used his injured foot, so it was back to the old hopping-and-screaming method for him. Violet punched him in the stomach, and he shut up.

"So, are you going to research like I asked you to?" she asked.

"Sure, whatever," Klaus said in a strained voice, going over to the bookshelves and blindly searching for a book that could help. Finally, he pulled out a book called _The Book That Can Help You In Any Situation, And I Mean ANY Situation_ by Deus Ex Machina. The book was the size of a backpack, as heavy as my language arts book (which is really freakin' heavy, by the way), and as thick as a volume of the encyclopedia. Klaus dropped it to the floor because he was just lazy like that. He opened up to the table of contents, found a chapter entitled "How To Expose Your Evil Relative When He's In Disguise And Has Just Killed Your Uncle With Snake Venom," and got to work.

Sunny tugged on Violet's sleeve. "Merwap?" she asked, which meant, "What are you going to do?"

Violet did shifty eyes. "It's a _secret_," she said in a confidential whisper. "Guard the place for me, will you?" And with that, she slipped out of the room like an assassin and tiptoed down the hallway to the kitchen. She placed her head to the wall and listened to the adults talking.

"Mr. Poe, do you even know the way to the place where you get on the ship and stuff?" Dr. Dernlaf asked, still acting as unprofessional as ever.

"Nope," Mr. Poe said.

"Well, I guess Mr. Poe can't drive the children," Stephano said quickly. "I have an idea. How about I drive the kids in my car, and you and Mr. Poe drive _your _car, Dr. Dernlaf?"

"Your car's totaled, remember?" Dr. Dernlaf said.

There was a pause. "Oh. Right."

Violet shook her head. It was amazing, she thought, how Stephano could even be stupider than Mr. Poe sometimes. But she knew that she had enough time to go up to Stephano's room and snoop around. She scurried up the stairs and walked down the hallway to Stephano's room. The door was adorned with a blank sheet of paper that had the word _Steffanno _crudely scribbled on it in red marker. Violet wanted to cringe at Count Olaf's idiocy, but she found herself grinning instead. If Olaf couldn't spell his own pseudonym, that would let Mr. Poe know that he was lying. She pushed the door open.

Stephano's room was a lot like Count Olaf's house. It was messy, with bedsheets on the floor and food crumbs all over the bed. The curtains were torn off the windows and the closet door was open, revealing clothes, magazines, and pieces of paper. Violet thought she even saw a cockroach scamper across the room. But nothing looked helpful. Glaring at nothing in particular, she kicked the closet door out of frustration and a pencil box fell from a shelf, landing on the floor. She ignored it and went back downstairs, making another stop near the kitchen to pick up on the conversation.

"Hey, I could drive, you know!" the Gangster Gecko was saying.

"No offense, but you're a lizard," Dr. Dernlaf said.

"He ain't a lizard! He's a gecko!" Mr. Poe said.

"Let's ask the expert," Dr. Dernlaf said. "Stephano, is that thing a lizard or a gecko?"

"Actually, I don't know anything about reptiles," Stephano said. It was the truest thing he'd said all day.

While the argument about the Gangster Gecko's species raged on, Violet smiled to herself. She knew that both Mr. Poe and Stephano could argue for days about the most trivial of topics, and nobody would be trying to confront her and her siblings any time soon. She quietly walked back into the Reptile Room, where Sunny was standing by the door and Klaus was lying on his stomach, totally engrossed in the giant book.

"Did you find anything?" she asked.

"Uh-huh," Klaus mumbled.

Violet stared at him, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently. "Well, are you going to tell me what you found?" she asked.

"Uh-huh," Klaus said again. "You know, Violet, you should really check out this book. It's interesting. There's a section that talks about what to do if you think your aunt has committed suicide, but she's really hiding in a cave."

Violet snapped her fingers and Sunny bit Klaus's other ankle. He screamed and jumped up, then somehow fell backwards and hit his head on the bookshelves. The Baudelaire sisters giggled, and their brother glared at them from where he sat.

"What did you do that for? That was mean!" he said.

"Sisters don't have to be nice to brothers," Violet said. "Tell me what you found."

"Fine, sheesh," Klaus said, rubbing his ankle in an attempt to ease the pain. "The book says that the Mamba du Mal bites people, strangles them, and gives them bruises."

The Mamba du Mal looked incredibly proud of himself.

"Did Uncle Monty have bruises?" Violet asked. "I can't remember."

"_Faux!_" Mal shouted. He started speaking in rapid French, and I listened attentively.

"What did he say, Random?" Klaus asked.

He said that Uncle Monty didn't have bruises, and was extremely pale. Stephano took some venom and injected it into Uncle Monty, which is why the venom is in his veins. Mal saw the whole thing happen with his own eyes.

Mal nodded, pleased with my translation.

Violet shivered. "Just when I thought Stephano couldn't sink any lower…"

"Hey, homies," said a glum-sounding voice. It was Mr. Poe, accompanied by the Gangster Gecko. The Baudelaires noticed that the banker wasn't as energetic as usual. "That Stephano dude may not be Count Olaf, but man, he's one crappy assistant! He don't know a thing about reptiles. Even _I _know that my gecko homedog is a gecko!"

"He actually knows that?" Klaus said. "Wow. I'm impressed."

Mr. Poe ignored him. "I can't believe that guy's gonna be the one drivin' you three around!" he said. "The doctor said it was the best thing to do. I'm gonna ride with the doctor, and Stephano's gonna take you three in the doctor's car."

Violet was about to ask how Dr. Dernlaf and Mr. Poe were going to get a ride, since the jeep was totaled, the Mini had exploded, and Stephano would be taking the only working car, but she decided not to.

"Now I gotta call the snake people and tell 'em about your uncle," Mr. Poe went on. He and the Gangster Gecko exited the Reptile Room, both looking incredibly depressed.

The Baudelaires just stared at each other for a moment.

"Ginka," Sunny said, which meant, "Well, I guess this is it. We're doomed."

"No!" Violet yelled. "No, we're not doomed. I have a plan, okay? Stephano's suitcase is lying out there in the yard, since he's too lazy to bring it inside. I'm going to look through it."

"Great plan," Klaus said. "But what about us?"

"Simple," Violet said. "You'll distract the adults." Before her siblings could question this, she turned around and walked out of the Reptile Room.

Klaus and Sunny exchanged confused glances.

"What do you want to do?" Klaus asked.

"Hewik," Sunny said, which meant something like, "I don't know. What do _you_ want to do?"

"I believe this will be quite entertaining," said the Erudite Toad. "Who has popcorn?"


	10. Something Is Terribly Wrong!

**Chapter 10: Something Is Terribly Wrong! **

Klaus and Sunny were a little ticked off at Violet for leaving them without offering them advice on creating distractions. They glared at the doors of the Reptile Room long after their sister had left, wearing the angriest expressions they could come up with. Then one of the reptiles decided to help them out.

"Hey, guys," said David. "I have an idea. Want to hear it?"

"No," Klaus said. "As I remember, you weren't all that nice to us."

"I just didn't like it when your sister wanted me to test the snake traps, okay?" David snapped.

"Ackalakka," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Klaus, I think we should hear what David has to say. We don't have any ideas of our own, so listening to someone else can't hurt too much."

Klaus gritted his teeth. "Fine. What's your idea, David?"

David looked around to make sure the adults weren't coming into the room, then grinned and whispered his plans to Klaus and Sunny in an excited voice. He made sure to speak into his transmitter so that the other reptiles would hear him. Even though he could be annoying sometimes, the other reptiles all got mad when David had planned something and wouldn't let them in on it.

"That's actually a decent idea," Klaus admitted when David was finished.

"I know," David said. He was about to brag into his transmitter, but a bunch of snakes hissed at him in annoyance to shut him up.

"Bilpoun," Sunny said, which meant something like, "It's perfect, especially when you think about how stupid the adults can be." She looked at the Incredibly Deadly Viper quizzically. "Craga?"

The Viper grinned. "You bet I'm ready."

So while Mr. Poe contacted the Herpetological Society and told them about Uncle Monty's untimely demise in his gangsta lingo, and while Stephano and Dr. Dernlaf discreetly snacked on Uncle Monty's corn, everybody in the Reptile Room prepared the distraction.

Now, let me tell you something. If you've known a person for a long time, you can tell when they're lying, faking, pulling a prank, or all of the above. For example, my mom can tell when my cousin Matthew is telling a fib because he always gets this little grin on his face. (Matthew, if you're reading this, please don't hurt me.) But if you _haven't_ known a person for a good amount of time, or if you're just really stupid, you _can't _tell when they're lying, faking, pulling a prank, or all of the above. Although Mr. Poe, Stephano, and Dr. Dernlaf had known the Baudelaires for a while, they were total idiots. So they couldn't tell when the Baudelaires were pretending. That was why they thought something was terribly wrong when Sunny Baudelaire started screaming.

"Something is terribly wrong!" Mr. Poe screamed, throwing the phone to the side and making a beeline for the Reptile Room.

"Something is terribly wrong!" Stephano and Dr. Dernlaf screamed, throwing the canned corn into a nearby trash can and making a beeline for the Reptile Room.

Violet, who could hear Sunny's screams all the way from outside, grinned to herself.

In the Reptile Room, the reptiles had all closed their eyes and were cowering against the bars of their cages. Klaus was shrieking and jumping up and down on a table. He tried to twirl up his skirt, but then he remembered he wasn't wearing a skirt, so he just settled for shrieking and jumping.

"It's going to eat her! I can't watch!" he screamed, covering his eyes and pointing at something.

The adults looked and saw that Sunny was curled up in the tail of the Incredibly Deadly Viper, who was holding her high in the air. Her mouth was wide open and her arms waved back and forth helplessly. The Viper's mouth was open as well and his teeth were gleaming. He looked like he wanted to take a bite out of Sunny's head…or, at least, that was what Mr. Poe, Stephano, and Dr. Dernlaf thought.

There are two kinds of surprised reactions, and I've not only seen both, I've reacted in both ways. The first reaction is just standing stock-still with your mouth open, not saying a word, which was what Stephano and Dr. Dernlaf were doing. The second reaction is running around screaming random things, which was what Mr. Poe was doing. He jumped six feet straight up in the air and ran in circles around the Reptile Room.

"OH MY GOD!" he screamed. "HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! 2012! THE SNAKE'S GONNA EAT US ALL! WE'RE DOOMED! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"This is so not cool, homies!" added the Gangster Gecko.

The Erudite Toad snorted. "That man actually believes in that silly 2012 theory?"

The Viper listened calmly to Mr. Poe and the Gangster Gecko, then yawned and continued to stare down at Sunny. She gave him a quick wink, letting him know that he could continue the distraction. He leaned down and bit Sunny on the chin again. Klaus smothered a bout of giggles, Stephano and Dr. Dernlaf gasped and stepped back, and Mr. Poe kept running and screaming.

"IT ATE HER!" he screamed, annoying everyone with his overuse of Caps Lock. "IT TOOK A BITE OUT OF HER! CALL THE POLICE! CALL JASON BOURNE! CALL MAXIMUM RIDE! CALL HARRY POTTER! CALL MARK WHITACRE! CALL THE FBI! CALL THE CIA! CALL MULTI-NATIONAL UNITED! CALL A DOCTOR!"

"_I'm _a doctor," Dr. Dernlaf said. He was ignored.

Mr. Poe was suddenly struck with an idea. "CALL THE CHICK WHO'S WRITING THE STORY!" he screamed, looking triumphant.

Sorry, dude. I can't fix anything. I'm gonna let the story fix itself.

The whole room was silent for a moment, then Mr. Poe let out a long, loud scream that broke the glass on the windows. Stephano looked genuinely impressed, and even a little jealous. Then he remembered he had a cover to keep up.

"Oh, please," he said with a snort. "Nothing's wrong. That kid's just overreacting."

AND WE'LL BE BACK, AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!

"Hey, what the heck is going on here?" Stephano demanded.

This chapter's moving along too quickly for my taste. I've decided to make it longer.

"Why?"

I just told you why, you idiot! Now, if the Gangster Gecko could so kindly help me with this commercial break…

"Okay!" the Gangster Gecko said cheerfully. He crawled out of Mr. Poe's pocket and fell to the floor, then got up again and started doing The Cha Cha Slide. Mr. Poe decided this looked like fun, so he joined in. Stephano, Klaus, Sunny, Dr. Dernlaf, and the reptiles just stared.

"What's going on with those two?" Dr. Dernlaf asked.

"Don't ask," Klaus said.

Awkward silence.

"Is there any corn left?" Klaus asked.

"Stephano ate it all," Dr. Dernlaf said darkly.

"I let you have some," Stephano said.

"Yeah, only, like, two bites!" Dr. Dernlaf snapped.

Klaus was very disappointed, because he'd been craving some corn just then. I wasn't disappointed, though. I didn't like corn.

"You don't like corn?" Klaus asked incredulously. "But you're always talking about it!"

I have my own reasons for that.

Klaus rolled his eyes.

"Halki?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "Can we move on with the story now? I think this little interlude has gone on long enough."

I agree. Let's move on.

For some reason that only I know, the story suddenly rewound to the bit where Stephano was talking, right before the commercial break began.

"Oh, please," he said with a snort. "Nothing's wrong. That kid's just overreacting."

"What you talkin' 'bout, man?" Mr. Poe asked. "Sunny just got eaten by the…the…the…uh…"

"The Incredibly Deadly Viper," Klaus said.

"Yeah, the Incredibly Deadly Thingy!" Mr. Poe said. "It's gotta be the most deadliest, scariest thing in the whole universe!"

"You're wrong," Stephano said. "The Incredibly Deadly Viper is actually pretty harmless. Monty just gave it a mean-sounding name to be funny."

"Man, that's just…well, mean-sounding!" Mr. Poe said.

"Now, don't be hatin' on my home-skillet Monty," the Gangster Gecko said. "He had good reasons for givin' us our names." He glared at Stephano. "And since when did you learn so much 'bout reptiles?"

Stephano got a look on his face that clearly meant he thought he was the coolest thing since sliced bread. "I did tons of research while I was here. I studied everything. Everything! I read all the books in just two days, and I memorized all the facts. I'm a freaking _expert_." He smirked. "Also, I'm just cool like that." He stuck his tongue out at the Gangster Gecko.

"Aha!" Sunny yelled. The Viper lowered her to the floor so she could crawl out of his grasp.

"Woo-hoo! The snake didn't eat ya!" Mr. Poe cheered, giving a thumbs-up. Then he looked at Klaus. "Hey, what did she mean when she said that?"

Klaus knew that Sunny had actually said, "I just discovered that 'aha' is spelled the same backwards and forwards," but he decided to lie about the translation. "She means that Stephano has been lying to you the whole time," he said. "Remember when Stephano said he knew nothing about snakes, and now he says that he's an expert? He was lying! His cover's blown!" The reptiles cheered in unison, and Klaus and Sunny high-fived.

Mr. Poe's eyes widened and he let out a terrified gasp. For a moment, Klaus and Sunny looked relieved, but that didn't last long. Mr. Poe put on a sheepish expression.

"Uh, can you explain it again? I kinda didn't catch all that."


	11. Stephano's Instruments Of Evil

**Chapter 11: Stephano****'s Instruments Of Evil**

The story rewound to the part where Violet left Klaus and Sunny in the Reptile Room in Chapter 9. She ran upstairs to her bedroom and looked around for anything that could possibly help her. Personally, I don't see how anything in her room could help her, since her room just had curtains, a bed, a closet, a bedside table, a lamp, and maybe some other stuff, but I'm too lazy to find out what Violet had in her room.

The point is, Violet was looking for something. She'd looked out the window after sneaking inside Stephano's room, and noticed that his suitcase was still lying in the front yard. In that instant, she'd gotten a brilliant idea that had been too good not to consider.

See, Stephano probably had instruments of evil stashed in his suitcase, right? Well, Violet's plan was to look through the suitcase and find out just _how _he'd killed Uncle Monty! Unfortunately, the suitcase was locked, but Violet was going to make a lockpick, which was why she was searching her room.

She looked to the left. Nothing.

She looked to the right. Nothing.

She looked forward. Nothing.

She looked backward. Nothing.

She looked in her closet. Nothing.

She looked out the window. Nothing.

She looked out the other window. Nothing.

She opened the door and searched the hallway. Nothing.

She shut her door and looked left again, but remembered that she hadn't found anything there.

Violet's determined expression softened and for a moment her face showed no emotion. Then she had a little spasm and fell to the ground, pounding the floor with her fists. "WHY?" she screamed. "WHY MUST LIFE BE SO UNFAIR AND FILLED WITH INCONVENIENCES?"

Because it's just mean like that.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Violet wailed, tears pouring out of her eyes like little waterfalls. "IF YOU WERE A NICE AUTHOR, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!"

Hey, if you're going to blame someone, blame Lemony Snicket! He wrote the original books that my stories are based on.

"OKAY! IT'S HIS FAULT TOO!" Violet said. "BUT IT'S MOSTLY YOUR FAULT!"

Actually, part of this is _your _fault, because you're whining instead of looking in other places.

Violet stopped crying and blinked, looking absolutely dumbfounded. "Oh. Yeah," she said, and got up from the floor. She walked downstairs and looked into the window of the Reptile Room, where Mr. Poe, Dr. Dernlaf, and Stephano were freaking out over the Incredibly Deadly Viper supposedly trying to eat Sunny. She tiptoed into the living room and quickly saw a floorlamp on a table in the corner. She unplugged the lamp and dragged it outside with her, making sure not to make too much noise.

Stephano's suitcase was sitting right there in the grass. Not too far ahead, Violet could see the smoking remains of Uncle Monty's wrecked jeep and the parts from Mr. Poe's ruined-beyond-repair Mini. Just for the heck of it, she decided to look in the driveway, where Dr. Dernlaf's car was still parked. But a new vehicle was there: a brand-new, mint condition, shiny gold Mini. The people who'd provided Mr. Poe with the purple Mini must have somehow found out that it had been destroyed, so they tracked him down and built a new car.

Violet gulped. It was only a matter of time before the adults noticed the new car and found a way to help Stephano with his evil scheme. She bent down next to the suitcase and banged one of the prongs from the lamp plug against the lock, hoping that the prong would fit inside the lock and somehow open it. The only results she got were a few electric sparks that appeared all of a sudden and disappeared even faster. For a few minutes straight, she just kneeled in the grass, hitting the lock with the plug. Suddenly, the prong bent at an odd angle and was clearly no longer usable.

This didn't bother Violet. She banged the other prong against the lock, but that prong just broke off after two bangs. Whoever had made the lamp hadn't done a very good job.

Then Violet realized she didn't really have a lockpick anymore.

"RANDOM, I NEED TOOLS!" Violet yelled.

Quit screaming and I just might help you.

"Okay, okay," Violet said impatiently.

And so began a long montage. I bet you're all gonna like this, huh?

**Lockpick #1**

"A _spoon?!_" Violet asked incredulously. "And a _plastic _one at that?!"

As the old saying goes, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

Violet heaved a huge sigh, then stuck the plastic spoon inside the lock. She twisted it a few times, but the food-scooping thingy broke.

**Lockpick #2**

Violet shoved the plastic spoon's handle inside the lock, but it also ended up breaking. She threw the pieces of the spoon aside and demanded new materials.

**Lockpick #3**

Violet shoved a regular silver spoon inside the lock. It also broke.

**Lockpick #4**

Violet threw the wooden spoon into someone else's yard. It was way too thick for the suitcase's lock.

**Lockpick #5**

Violet tried to use a butter knife. It broke.

**Lockpick #6**

Violet tried to use a sharp knife. Guess what happened to it?

**Lockpick #7**

Violet tried to use a fork. The three sharp thingies broke off.

**Lockpick #8**

Violet just stared blankly. How was she supposed to use a _forklift_ to open a _suitcase?_

**Lockpick #9**

Violet picked at one of her fingernails and stuck the nail she'd picked off inside the lock. It was small and skinny enough to fit, but it didn't do anything, so she gave up on it.

**Lockpick #10**

"I am _not _going to use my finger! What if I break it off my hand or something?"

**Lockpick #11**

"I'm not going to use my toe, either!"

**Lockpick #12**

Violet coaxed a random cat over to her, and tried to use its claws to open the lock. It didn't work, and Violet got a scratch on her arm.

**Lockpick #13**

Violet whacked herself in the head with the suitcase repeatedly.

"Why am I doing this, again?" she asked.

Because if you hit yourself hard enough, the lock might click open! Also, it's funny to watch.

**Lockpick #14**

Violet tried to use some keys. Unfortunately, they were car keys, so they didn't help much.

**Lockpick #15**

By this time, Violet had had enough. She had a pounding headache from hitting herself in the head, she was bleeding a little from where the cat scratched her, and she was irritated, cranky, moody, upset, and probably on her period. She held the suitcase up to her face.

"OPEN OR I'LL MURDER YOU!" she screamed.

There was a clicking noise. Violet put the suitcase back on the ground and pulled it open, revealing a giant pile of random crap that was about half the size of Klaus. It was amazing that all that stuff was able to fit into just one suitcase.

"All I had to do was threaten it?" she said. "Random, why didn't you tell me?"

Well, _I _didn't know that would happen. Just search through the stuff, okay?

Violet shrugged and did as she was told. She sifted through the pile and pulled out a lot of junk, and I mean a _lot _of junk. She found things like severed hands, money, passports, fake IDs, a water gun, a brownie, a cookie, several wigs, a turban, running shoes, a monocle, a flamethrower, a rubber snake, high heels, a pearl necklace, a tape recorder, jelly beans, magazines, a tangerine, a cantaloupe, canned peaches, canned corn, canned green beans, several lists, several disguise kits, a sugar bowl that was actually a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of the fifth copy of a copy of the original sugar bowl, a shrunken head, a copy of _Villain-Speak For Dummies_, a copy of _How to Pretend to Be Someone You're Not_, a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot (which was actually alive and ended up flying away to who-knows-where), a laptop, a rubber mouse, a computer mouse, a picture of himself, tea bags, a ring of keys, a movie projector, a cell phone, credit cards, scissors, a bell, a whistle, a microphone, a megaphone, a pillow that had a picture of him on it, makeup, blank scraps of paper, a mirror, pens, pencils, markers, a box of crayons—

"Okay, I get it!" Violet said. "There's a lot of crap in here! Stop with the descriptions!"

You know, I'm actually glad you said that. I was starting to run out of ideas.

Violet rolled her eyes. She stole a quick glance at the window that gave her a view of the Reptile Room, only to find Stephano looking back at her. His mouth was open and he looked like he wanted to throw a hissy fit. A chill ran down Violet's back as she dug even further into the messy suitcase, hoping against hope that he hadn't seen the new gold Mini. She pulled out Stephano's various belongings and tossed them to the side, finally locating some important items: a glass vial with a label that said _POISON DU MAL!!! TOUCH IT AND DIE!!!_, a yellow laminated card, a ridiculously huge syringe with a sharp needle that looked like a pencil point, a powder puff, and a small, green, circular hand mirror.

For just a few moments, Violet didn't even care if Stephano was watching her. She was happy. She did a little dance, then cartwheeled across the grass and spun around in a circle, shouting with joy. Now she had all the evidence she needed to bring that impostor down!

Unfortunately, her victory dance was cut short when she tripped and fell flat on her face.


	12. Bad Man Killed Our Uncle

**Chapter 12: Bad Man Killed Our Uncle**

While Violet was busy gathering her evidence and coming back into the house, Mr. Poe was still having trouble comprehending what Klaus and Sunny were trying to tell him. "Sorry, guys," he said. "Can you explain it again? I ain't comprehendin' what you're tryin' to say."

"Man, _I _could tell you," the Gangster Gecko said, but he was ignored.

Klaus sighed, closed his eyes, and counted to ten so he wouldn't explode. He opened his eyes a minute or so later and went through the story for what had to be the seventh or eighth time. "Him bad man," he said, pointing at Stephano. It seemed as though he had to _really _simplify his vocabulary if Mr. Poe was going to understand the situation. "Bad man did not tell truth. Bad man is not telling truth about his name. Bad man killed our uncle." He gestured to himself and Sunny.

"You and me have the same uncle?!" Mr. Poe shrieked.

Sunny facepalmed. Stephano rolled his eyes. Dr. Dernlaf looked at his watch. The Incredibly Deadly Viper got bored and slithered away.

Klaus had had just about enough. "No! No! NO! NO! NO!" he screamed, taking a book off the shelf and hitting himself in the head with it. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" His shouts increased in volume until he let out a giant **"NO!"** that shook the entire house. After that, he dropped the book and stared at Mr. Poe with wide eyes. "You stupid, _stupid_ man! I meant that Sunny, Violet, and I had an uncle, and the bad man killed him! You're not related to any of us!"

"Oh, okay," Mr. Poe said. "But who's the bad man you're speakin' of?"

Klaus took _The Big Peruvian Book of Small Peruvian Snakes _off the shelf and whacked himself in the head. He collapsed to the floor in a heap.

"Man, that bad man must be pretty bad if he's makin' Klaus knock himself out!" Mr. Poe said.

"Sacramod," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "No kidding, you giant idiot."

"Dude, you know what the kids are talkin' 'bout?" Mr. Poe asked Stephano.

"Nope," Stephano said, radiating innocence. "Those kids are crazy. I have done nothing wrong."

"LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!" yelled Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo from somewhere in the distance. Everybody looked around for the source of the mysterious voices, but they couldn't find anybody. Not even Neal Daniels.

Sunny sighed. "Mistikay," she said, which meant something like, "Let me guess. It's another one of those references you're always making."

You got it, Sunny. And if Violet were here, she'd be throwing a fit. Let's get back to the story.

The Gangster Gecko's head popped out of Mr. Poe's pocket, and he absolutely refused to be pushed back inside. "Hold up, peoples!" he said, putting a gecko-hand up to silence everyone else (what do you call gecko hands?). "I know I ain't the smartest gecko in the room, but I know the whole story! Let me speak!"

"I have a question," Dr. Dernlaf cut in. "Why should we listen to a talking gecko?"

"SILENCE, FOOL!!" the gecko roared in a mighty, deep voice that used the power of double exclamation points. The female reptiles promptly swooned, even the Lovely Leaping Lizard. When the Reptile Room was absolutely quiet, the gecko began to speak, still using the deep voice. "Mr. Stephano, I very clearly heard you say that you knew nothing about reptiles. But just a few minutes ago, you said you were an expert! That right there proves you're a rotten liar, which is what the children have been trying to explain! They were right all along, and you're nothing but a big, fat fake! TAKE THIS!" He blew a raspberry in Stephano's general direction.

For a moment, everyone stared at the Gangster Gecko in stunned silence. Then everyone except for Stephano, Dr. Dernlaf, and Klaus (who was still out cold) started clapping and cheering.

"Excellent job!" said the Erudite Toad. "I couldn't have said it any better myself!"

"Say something else in the deep voice," said the Lovely Leaping Lizard, who was in a daze and had a stupid, lovestruck grin on her face.

"SQUAWK! Good job! Good job! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" said the Parroting Python.

"_Très bien, mon ami_," the Mamba du Mal said approvingly.

"It was okay," said the Irascible Python, who was trying to hide his smile.

"That was awesome!" said the Viper, who sneaked out from behind a random table and hugged Sunny with joy.

"Fondreker," Sunny said, which meant something like, "I have to admit, he'd make a great motivational speaker."

There was a yawn from the floor, and Klaus slowly stood up, stretching. "What happened?" he asked. "One minute, I'm knocked out, and the next minute, I hear a bunch of clapping! Was Stephano finally exposed? Mr. Poe, do you actually get what I've been trying to say?"

"_We_," Sunny hissed.

"Sorry. Do you get what _we've_ been trying to say?" Klaus said.

"You betcha, homedog!" Mr. Poe said. "Jeez, is my gecko homie bad, or is he bad? You missed a real cool speech, my four-eyed home slice!"

Klaus rolled his eyes. "So, Mr. Poe, what did you find out?"

There was a silence. All eyes turned to Mr. Poe.

Mr. Poe coughed nervously. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. "Uh…well…guys, when ya put me on the spot like this—"

"You didn't retain any information at all, did you?" Klaus asked.

"Nope!" Mr. Poe said cheerfully.

Klaus tried to knock himself out with the big book again, but Sunny bit him and he ran around the room screaming in pain.

Stephano had had enough. He yelled so he could be heard over Klaus. "People, can we stop this discussion?" he asked. "It's getting pretty freakin' pointless. Can we just agree that I'm not a liar, a murderer, or a psycho, and get on with our lives?"

Dr. Dernlaf nodded. "I agree. He might be a crappy liar, but you don't really have any evidence that would prove him to be a murderer."

"Watch what you say," Stephano hissed, elbowing the doctor in the ribs.

"Hey, it's true. You really do suck at lying," Dr. Dernlaf muttered.

"Don't agree with the liar, dawg," the Gangster Gecko said.

But Mr. Poe wasn't listening to his friend. He looked like he was thinking something over, and you could almost hear the rocks moving around in his head. Finally he said, "Okay, man. I guess you're cool. Maybe the kids were just overreactin'."

"Trust me, I _know _I'm cool," Stephano said smugly.

"Gronrew," Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "Oh, please. My left pinkie toe is way cooler than you, and it's probably smarter, too."

Klaus had stopped running around and screaming, and he was now breathing heavily. All that screaming had caused him to be out of breath, and his heart was beating rapidly from all the running he'd been doing.

"I have to go out to my car," Stephano said. "So, if you'll just excuse me for a moment—"

Suddenly, the door to the Reptile Room exploded. Literally.

"NOT SO FAST, CRETIN!" Violet Baudelaire shouted triumphantly, marching proudly into the room. She carried the items she'd filched from Stephano's suitcase: the glass vial labeled _POISON DU MAL!!! TOUCH IT AND DIE!!!_, the laminated card, the gigantic syringe with the scary-looking needle, the hand mirror, and the powder puff, which was covered with green crap that looked suspiciously like makeup. She dumped all the stuff on a nearby table and looked at Stephano defiantly. "You want evidence? You got it!"

"Cool entrance," the Viper said.

"Yes, the exploding door was quite a nice addition," said the Erudite Toad.

"Girl, you missed a real tight speech from my gecko homeboy!" said Mr. Poe.

"Actually, I could hear it all the way from outside," Violet said. "It was pretty impressive."

The Gangster Gecko beamed.

Stephano looked at the stuff on the table. He blinked and stared. He stared and blinked. He blinked his left eye once and his right eye twice. He looked over at Violet and narrowed his eyes. "And just _where _did you find all of this?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Your suitcase," Violet said, smirking.

Mr. Poe whistled. "Homegirl, you picked a lock? Man, where'd you get such bad skills? I wanna know how to do that!"

"There was really nothing to it," Violet admitted. "I just had to threaten to kill it, and it opened."

"It took me _days_ to figure out how to open that thing, and it only took _you _a few minutes. I'm officially jealous," Stephano said. Then he remembered that one of his mortal enemies had just gone through his suitcase and was currently exposing him, and he threw a hissy fit. "Uh, I mean, YOU WENT THROUGH MY STUFF! YOU'RE A MEANIE HEAD!" He pouted like a two-year-old and pointed at Violet accusingly. Dr. Dernlaf chuckled at this outburst.

Sunny shook her head. "Freakshow?" she said, which meant something like, "Is it just me, or is he even more immature than he was when we stayed with him?"

"I'd say he's a _lot _more immature now," Klaus said.

"So, Violet, tell us 'bout all this junk you found," Mr. Poe said.

"Hey! That's _my _junk you're talking about!" Stephano whined. Everybody ignored him.

"Klaus, would you like to help me explain?" Violet asked.

"Sure," Klaus said with a grin. "Dr. Dernlaf said that the Mamba du Mal killed Uncle Monty. I read in one of Uncle Monty's books that the Mamba du Mal strangles its victims, and it leaves bruises on the bodies of its victims when it bites them."

"_Oui_," Mal said.

"Then I thought about how Uncle Monty looked when he died," Klaus went on. "He was pale, and had no bruises. So I thought that the Mamba du Mal couldn't possibly have killed him."

"_Non, non!_" Mal said, shaking his head.

Violet held up the Poison du Mal vial and the syringe. "Stephano used the syringe to get some of Mal's venom and inject it into Uncle Monty." She held up the laminated card. "Then he stole Uncle Monty's ticket for the trip to Peru. He was going to pretend to be Uncle Monty so he could whisk us away and kill us. That was what he was trying to do when he ran into you, Mr. Poe."

Stephano turned pale and broke out in a cold sweat. "No, no, no," he said. "That's not true! Poe, you believe me, right?"

A little clicking noise was heard in the room. Somehow, in some way, Mr. Poe's brain had finally processed what the Baudelaires were trying to tell him. He still didn't have the full, exact story yet, but he had just enough story to make him realize that Stephano was bad news. He turned around and glared fiercely at the false lab assistant, who looked at him nervously. Everyone looked at the two men in anticipation of what would happen.

"YOU LYIN' FOO'!" yelled Mr. Pow—er, Poe (oh, great, the misspellings are back). He lived up to the misspelled version of his name and smacked Stephano in the face so hard that his head snapped around and made a POW! sound.

"Owww," Stephano moaned, clutching his face and whimpering.

Mr. Poe wasn't done yelling. "Man, why did I ever believe you were good?" he said. "I can't believe I didn't believe the kids! They was right all along! You are the lowest of the low! The baddest of the bad, and not in a good way, dawg!"

Stephano smiled weakly. "Thank you."

"THAT AIN'T A COMPLIMENT, YA FREAK!" Mr. Poe bellowed. The Baudelaires and the Gangster Gecko stared at him in awe for about five minutes, until Mr. Poe's usual stupid expression returned to his face. He looked at the Baudelaires. "Why was this guy tryin' to kill ya, anyway?"

The Baudelaires sighed in unison. "BECAUSE HE'S FREAKIN' COUNT OLAF!" they shouted.

Mr. Poe looked genuinely shocked. "He _is?_" He glanced back at Stephano and gaped. "You _are?_"

"YES! THAT'S WHAT WE WERE TRYING TO TELL YOU!" Klaus said, exasperated.

"Really?" Mr. Poe said.

The Baudelaires glared at him.

"But—but—he doesn't look nothin' like that guy!" Mr. Poe protested. "He's got a beard!"

"And no eye tattoo," Stephano added.

"Yeah, and that," Mr. Poe said.

"He's in disguise!" Violet said.

"I am not!" Stephano said.

"Yeah, you are!" Klaus said.

"No, I'm not!" Stephano said.

"Yes!" Sunny said, and you didn't have to be a genius to figure out what she meant.

"No!" Stephano said.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"_Oui!_"

"_Non!_"

"_Vrai!_"

"_Faux!_"

"Whoa! Where did you learn French, Dr. Dernlaf?"

"High school."

"Really?"

"Yep. So, where were we?"

"Uh…yes?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

NO!

"YES!" Stephano yelled.

HA! I just got you to admit that you were Count Olaf in disguise!

"What? You tricked me!" Stephano said.

Yeah, so?

"Woo-hoo! Go, Random, go!" the Baudelaires cheered.

"Shut up!" Stephano said. "And just so you know, I didn't actually admit it! Random tricked me into saying it! You _still_ can't prove anything!"

"We can, actually," Violet said. She held up the powder puff that was lying on the table. "This puff is covered in green makeup. The white-faced women had problems with this stuff back when we lived with Count Olaf. He used it to cover up the eye tattoo on his ankle." She forcefully lifted up Stephano's left pant leg and revealed the green splotch on his ankle. "See?"

"I remember that!" Klaus said. "The white-faced women were trying to make themselves look even whiter, which I think is a pretty stupid idea, and they turned their faces green!" He slapped his knee and doubled over with laughter.

"You don't know anything," Stephano said with venom. "I accidentally stepped in some slime while I was walking down the street one day, and the green stuff has been on my ankle ever since."

Violet ignored him, which is often the best course of action when someone tells an outrageous lie.

Klaus suddenly stopped laughing as a look of worry crossed his face. "Wait," he said. "How are we going to uncover the tattoo? Does anybody have a handkerchief or something?"

"Not me," Stephano said.

"Not me," Dr. Dernlaf said.

"I do!" Mr. Poe said excitedly, pulling a napkin out of his pocket. (No, I don't have anything to do with the sudden appearance of the napkin. STOP LOOKING AT ME!) "Now let's get crackin'!"

Stephano looked sick. "You don't know where that's been."

"It could be covered with germs or some kind of disease," Dr. Dernlaf put in.

Mr. Poe snorted. "This napkin's brand-spankin'-new. I mean, I might've used it to blow my nose a couple of times, but it can uncover stuff like nobody's business!"

Stephano was about to protest, but Sunny bit his hand. He screamed in agony, and this distracted him so that Mr. Poe could clean off the green makeup with his napkin. A couple of minutes afterward, Stephano bent down and looked at his left ankle. An eye tattoo stared back at him.

He looked up to see the Baudelaires smirking at him. Violet reached out and ripped off his fake beard.

"Oh, crap."

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

**_"LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!" _**– _A reference to the TV series _Mystery Science Theater 3000, _which is sadly no longer on. (Thank God for YouTube!) This reference is a direct reference to the episode in which Joel, Servo, and Crow made fun of the film _I Accuse My Parents. _Whenever someone in that movie lied, they would yell __"LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!" _


	13. I'ma Mess You Up, Suckahs!

**Chapter 13: I****'ma Mess You Up, Suckahs!**

"See, Mr. Poe? See? We _told _you!" Klaus yelled, pointing at Stephano and jumping up and down like a five-year-old on speed.

"Hate to say it, bro, but you _did_ get told," the Gangster Gecko told Mr. Poe.

"Ooooh, you got told!" yelled the kids from my tech and living class. They pointed and laughed immaturely until a fireball came and hit them. About two or three of them survived unscathed, but everyone else BURNED. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Mr. Poe, Stephano/Count Olaf, Dr. Dernlaf, the reptiles, and the unscathed kids looked at me.

Er… (cough) I am NOT a homicidal freak. I just really hate most of the people in my tech and living class. Okay?

"Uh…okay," Violet said uneasily.

"This girl needs help," Klaus whispered to Dr. Dernlaf.

"Do you think she has a mental illness?" Dr. Dernlaf asked.

I DO NOT HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS! NOW GET BACK TO THE STORY!

Klaus and Dr. Dernlaf meeped and did as they were told.

Mr. Poe stared at Stephano in disbelieving disbelief. Well, actually, if you want to get technical about it, he stared at Stephano's ankle. And if you want to get _really _technical about it, he was staring at the eye tattoo on Stephano's ankle, which was no longer covered with green makeup. Mr. Poe then stared at Stephano's face, which was covered with little dots of glue because of the fake beard. Although he'd shaved his eyebrow, Mr. Poe recognized the man instantly. Count Olaf knew he was totally screwed.

"Um…peekaboo?" he said nervously.

Mr. Poe's eyes locked in on Olaf and narrowed dangerously. Olaf cringed. The Gangster Gecko went back inside Mr. Poe's pocket and prepared for the brutal beatdown that was surely coming. Within a few seconds, Mr. Poe was beating the living crap out of Olaf, screaming incomprehensible gangster-ish things. When he got tired of beating Olaf up with his fists, he resorted to grabbing random objects and using them as weapons.

"Ow! Ouch! HEY, WATCH IT! You almost hit my eye!" whined Olaf as Mr. Poe viciously attacked him with a laptop. "Can't we talk about this like regular human beings?"

"NO, FOOL!" Mr. Poe yelled, whacking Olaf in the face with the aforementioned laptop. Olaf dropped to the floor like a rock. Before he had a chance to get up, Sunny shoved him inside a random open cage. She tossed Violet a key and the eldest Baudelaire locked Olaf up.

"Aw, man," Olaf said.

Mr. Poe stopped his rampage and smirked at the trapped villain. The Gangster Gecko crawled out and blew a raspberry.

Meanwhile, Dr. Dernlaf was clapping his ridiculously large hands to his face in shock. "I can't believe Stephano lied to us like that!" he said. "It's a good thing you children were able to see him for who he really is—Count Olaf!" He paused. "Who _is_ Count Olaf, exactly?"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all looked at each other.

"Do you want the short version, or the long version?" Violet asked.

"Er, may I have the short version?" Dr. Dernlaf said. "I have a pretty short attention span."

"I'll say," Olaf mumbled. The Incredibly Deadly Viper used his tail to tip the cage over. Olaf was not amused, but the other reptiles pointed and snickered.

Violet took a deep breath. "Count Olaf is an evil, greedy, disgusting, freaky—"

Klaus cut in. "Stupid, annoying, retarded, ugly—"

"Vile, repulsive, villainous, malicious—"

"Uncreative, egotistical, worthless, dirty—"

"Foul, rotten, whiny, childish—"

"Despicable, wicked, untalented, scheming—"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Olaf said irritably.

"—smug, unpleasant, horrible, terrible, very bad abomination and the absolute worst excuse for a human being the world has ever known," Violet and Klaus said in unison. It's amazing they managed to say the exact same thing at the exact same time, but they did.

You guys forgot to say _repellent_. I like that word.

"Oh, come on. I'm not _that_ bad," Olaf said.

"Wow," Dr. Dernlaf said. "He must be really bad."

Olaf glared at him.

"That short version ain't so short!" Mr. Poe said. He was ignored.

"Yeah, I've heard shorter short versions than that," the Gangster Gecko agreed. He was also ignored.

"Gustav!" Sunny said.

Klaus looked confused. "Wasn't that the name of Uncle Monty's old assistant?" he asked. "The one who committed suicide?"

Olaf cleared his throat. "Uh, actually, Gustav didn't commit suicide," he said. "I insulted his mother, and he became so depressed that he left. My sources tell me he's currently hiding in a cave and living on dead rats."

_What _sources?

"Um…"

**Flashback.**

"What are we gonna tell him, Neal? We don't know where this Gustav guy is!"

"Just make something up, Mark. You're good at that."

"…was that a shot? Are you making fun of me?"

"No…"

"GENTLEMEN!" Olaf roared, approaching the two men on the crowded street. "Do you have any information for me about where Gustav Sebald is?"

Neal Daniels and Mark Whitacre just stared ahead nervously, saying nothing for a moment, until Daniels spoke. "We've received information that Gustav is, um, hiding in a cave on a remote island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean," he said.

"And, uh, living on nothing but dead rats," Whitacre put in. Daniels rolled his eyes.

"Good," Olaf said. "He's far away. He won't be able to ruin my plans." He turned on his heel and walked away, pretending to walk off a stage.

The next day, while forging a suicide note, Olaf found a letter in the mail from Daniels and Whitacre. They wanted nothing more to do with him. He shrugged and carelessly threw the note over his shoulder. He had henchmen that could get him information, anyway.

**End flashback.**

"I don't blame those guys for leaving you," Klaus said.

Mr. Poe, who had wandered off during the flashback, came running back into the Reptile Room. "Homies and Olaf, ya won't believe it!" he said breathlessly. "The car people musta come by and built me a new Mini! And it's gold, too! How straight-up gangsta is _that?_"

"You mean to say," Dr. Dernlaf began, "that while we were arguing about the transportation issue, we could have just gone outside, found the gold Mini, and USED IT?!"

"Uhhhhhh…" Mr. Poe thought for a long minute. "I guess so."

Dr. Dernlaf looked like he wanted to throw a temper tantrum right then and there, but he managed to keep his cool. "Well then, I guess I'll just be escorting Count Olaf here to the police station," he said, picking up Olaf's cage. "Say good-bye to the kids."

"I'll be back, and stuff!" Olaf protested weakly. It was obvious he was phoning it in.

Klaus whispered something to Sunny, and she nodded, staring at Dr. Dernlaf with a determined expression. She stealthily crawled over to him and bit one of his hands. The hand fell to the floor and broke into millions of tiny pieces. In place of the hand was a hook.

"Oh, crap," said Fernald the hook-handed man. He ran for his life, carrying Olaf's cage with his hook and his unbroken fake hand.

Mr. Poe's eyes popped out of his head, and he ran after the two men, looking furious. The Baudelaires followed him, watching Fernald stuff his caged boss into the backseat of his car. Fernald then scrambled into the driver's seat and got out of there. Mr. Poe hopped into the gold Mini and drove off after them, shouting, "I'MA MESS YOU UP, SUCKAHS!"

The Baudelaires stared at each other blankly for a moment, then shrugged and sat on the steps of Uncle Monty's front porch, waiting for Mr. Poe to come back from the car chase. Since Olaf and Fernald were pretty elusive, they figured their idiot acquaintance would be back within a few hours—if he hadn't forgotten how to get back to the house, that is. Soon, though, they grew tired and fell asleep. Surprisingly, they enjoyed a good, long sleep, their first in quite a while.

The good, long sleep ended abruptly the next morning.

"HEY, KIDS!" yelled a male voice, startling all three children into waking up. They saw that a chubby man with a megaphone had interrupted their peaceful slumber. "This is Bruce from the Herpetological Society speaking! You should move out of the way! We've got reptiles to repossess and a house to demolish!"

"WHAT?" Violet screamed.

"Ugonga!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "Hey, the reptiles and the house belong to our uncle! Don't touch it, idiots!"

"Yeah! You just can't do that!" Klaus said.

"Sorry, but that one guy, Mr. Poe, gave us permission," Bruce said. "Where is he, anyway?"

"Having a car chase," Klaus said. "It's a long story."

"Can I have the short version?" Bruce asked.

Klaus glared at him. In the meantime, some people who had arrived with Bruce were taking the reptiles out of the house and putting them onto trucks. Many reptiles grumbled under their breaths and freaked out Bruce's team by revealing that they could talk, but none of the reptiles were allowed to have a final word with the Baudelaires.

"SUNNY! DON'T LEAVE ME!" the Incredibly Deadly Viper wailed from his cage. Looking on with a sad face, Sunny waved good-bye to her friend.

"_Au revior, mademoiselles et monsieur_," the Mamba du Mal said to the Baudelaires. They simply waved at him in reply. I translated his good-bye into English, and the children said _au revior _back to him.

"I'm quite envious of the Gangster Gecko," the Erudite Toad said conversationally. "He escaped. He doesn't have to go through this."

"Yeah, but will he survive out there, surrounded by humans?" David wondered out loud. No one knew the answer to that.

Finally, the last few reptiles were loaded onto the trucks, and Bruce's team drove away. Bruce told the Baudelaires to step away from the house, making sure they were a good distance away from it before he threw a stick of dynamite onto the porch. Uncle Monty's entire house blew up and Bruce got into his own truck, driving off without saying good-bye.

Violet sighed. "Well, what are we going to do now?"

Klaus and Sunny just shrugged.

Exactly five minutes later, a gold Mini came speeding down the street and crashed into a random tree. It backed up a little bit before finally stopping. Mr. Poe stepped out of the car, wandering around in a daze and looking as though he were about to vomit. The Gangster Gecko crawled out of his pocket and scampered over to the Baudelaires with a huge smile on his face. He had clearly enjoyed the car chase.

"So," he said. "What'd we miss?"

**The End.**

* * *

**Epilogue**

"Mr. Snicket, Random Little Writer is here for the meeting," Brett Helquist said.

"Send her in," Lemony Snicket said, and hung up the phone. He glanced at the printout on his desk, the one with the first page that was labeled _The Revised Reptile Room_ in small bold letters. As was the case with its predecessor, he had enjoyed the story and found parts of it to be amusing, but there were things he desperately wanted to correct. That girl had gone overboard on outside references, even going so far as to include brief appearances by characters from other works, after he specifically advised her not to. He was definitely going to reinforce that in this meeting.

The door opened and in walked Random Little Writer, looking nervous, as if she knew she'd done something she wasn't supposed to. This time, she carried a large, thick library book: _The Informant _by Kurt Eichenwald. Peeking out between the pages was a small, flimsy Junie B. Jones bookmark that Random had probably acquired when she was younger. She sat down across from Lemony and flashed him a stiff, hesitant smile, revealing red and blue braces.

"Good morning," she said.

Lemony did not waste time with pleasantries. "Random," he began. "You seem to be having the same problems as before, with your latest parody of my work. I did like it, but the same flaws from the first story appear in this one as well."

Random's nervousness seemed to have gone away. "I know," she said. "I made too many outside references again. But I stopped worrying about continuity errors."

"Yes, you did," Lemony admitted. "And for that, I commend you. But…" He paused and shook his head. "The outside references. The last time we met, I asked you to keep from making any more outside references, and yet you persisted. I think the use of allusions here is even worse than in the first one."

"What can I say?" Random said. "I got carried away."

Lemony fixed her with a stern stare. She was not the same apprehensive, polite, agreeable girl from their first meeting; she seemed to have become less pleasant and more visibly irritated with him. "Random, if you continue to ignore my advice, I will no longer allow you to make parodies of my books."

Her eyes widened behind her glasses. "You're serious?"

"I am."

She stared at him for a moment, and Lemony thought there was a glint of contempt in her eyes. Perhaps she was even considering hitting him with her book. But she simply stood up, thanked him for advising her, and walked out of the office quickly.

Long after Random was gone, Lemony suddenly realized he was craving corn. Not that he'd ever admit it.

* * *

**Reference Glossary**

_**Neal Daniels **_– _Yep, that _Bourne Ultimatum _reference is back with a vengeance. See Chapter 2 for more details._

_**Mark Whitacre **_– _The main character of the film _The Informant!, _who is also a real person. (By the way, if the real Mark Whitacre happens to be reading this right now, I am utterly and completely sorry for putting you – or at least a fictional version of you – in this story. Apologies all around. Please don__'t hurt me. I meant no offense by this.)_

_**The corn **_– _Corn gets mentioned a lot in this story. It__'s no surprise Lemony would be craving some corn after reading it._

* * *

Author's Note: _Uh-oh. Looks like Lemony and I aren't getting along so well. But don't worry, I'll be back with __**The Wretched Window**__! Now with 100 percent less outside references, and 100 percent more paranoia!_

_It's the end of another ASOUE parody, my friends. A big thank-you, a brownie, and some corn go to everyone who reviewed!_

_And, no, I am NOT a homicidal freak. I just have a bad temper._


End file.
